https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaHJ8CndpIo
hello beautiful humanoids. i went to the park two days ago to try to clear my head so i ended up going on tangents while i was recording this video. originally the raw footage was just 50 mins of me talking in circles but i’ve finally organized it in a way that flows better and makes sense for the average viewer thru the magic of editing!! also sorry for the weird uploading schedule…like why am i posting this at 4:30 am idk. i am trying my hardest to do a vid a week i promise.
Today, we are at a park, as you can tell by the flowers behind me. It’s 2:00. I just went for a little walk because I was not feeling really well. I honestly feel like it’s getting bad again. It’s getting progressively worse and worse, day by day, and I feel like I have resorted back to my old cycles. I hate that so much.
I also feel adamant about not feeling anything because I just don’t want to feel anything. I’d rather be numb than feel everything. But now, like [__], I feel so stuck in my head. Every day I wake up, I feel like I’m in this Perpetual cycle that will never end, and it’s been this way for so long.
I remember, maybe a year or two ago, when I was feeling really down, I would also walk around in this same park, doing really big laps because this is a really big park, to quiet my thoughts and stuff.
lap: one journey from the beginning to the end of a track used for running, etc.
the fastest lap on record
创纪录的最快的一圈
She has completed six laps.
她跑完六圈了。
He was overtaken on the final lap.
他在最后一圈被超过。
to do a lap of honour (= go around the track again to celebrate winning)
绕场一周庆祝胜利
(NAmE)
to do a victory lap
绕场一周庆祝胜利e journey fromk the beginning to the end of a track used for running, etc. （跑道等的）一圈
the fastest lap on record
创纪录的最快的一圈
She has completed six laps.
她跑完六圈了。
He was overtaken on the final lap.
他在最后一圈被超过。
to do a lap of honour (= go around the track again to celebrate winning)
绕场一周庆祝胜利
(NAmE)
to do a victory lap
绕场一周庆祝胜利
And here I am again. I don’t know. I always find my way back to this place.
I am always stuck inside my house, and even when I try to go out, I feel like I’m always putting on this act, like I have to be at 100% if I’m hanging out with someone. Being inside the house genuinely makes everything ten times worse.
pretend to be someone you’re not
To pretend that one is or believes something that is not true.
The company’s president went on and on about how they value every customer’s individual experience, but we all know he was just putting on an act as a normal part of PR spin.
You don’t have to put on an act, mom—I know our play wasn’t very good.
It’s so silly to me the way soccer players put on an act about being injured any time an opposing player so much as brushes up against them.
Today I woke up at around 6:00 p.m. But I always get nightmares, like every day, and I have for the past few months. Since October, I’ve been having constant nightmares about the betrayal that happened in my previous relationship, and it still hasn’t gone away. So then I was just like, “Oh my God, why am I still dreaming about this and having night terrors?” It feels like, wow, I can’t move on from this. Why can’t I just let it go while the other person moved on so freaking fast?
It felt like I was so replaceable, like I didn’t mean anything at all. Everything that was promised, everything that was said, felt like a fluke, and the whole year and a half of my life felt like it was a complete lie, I guess.
I know the logic of everything, all my feelings, and all this hyper-self-awareness of whatever issue I have, but I just can’t seem to get out of my head about it. I talk to some of my mutuals about this stuff, and then they’re like, “Oh, you really just have to forgive yourself. You just need to let it go.” And I’m like, what does forgiveness even look like?
People say to forgive for yourself because you’re just torturing yourself even more, but what is that supposed to look like? How do you forgive yourself, and how do you forgive other people?
I don’t know. It seems so much easier said than done. Letting go sounds even harder because I genuinely don’t know how to let go of the things that other people have done to me, things that have caused permanent damage. I’m just clinging to that for no goddamn reason.
It’s like you drink the poison that someone else handed to you, and then you ask why they handed you poison. But in reality, they’re just not a good person, I guess.
I just have so many contradicting thoughts in my head. I’m like, “Oh, well, I wasn’t the best person either. Well, they did this to me first, or they did that because they did something bad to me. I also did some [] up [] to them.”
So, who’s in the right? I’m not a saint. I’m not a good person either, so how is anyone to say that they’re a bad person? Then I keep going back and forth in my own head, trying to rationalize, villainize, and also pedestal the other person. It’s so weird.
I know the other person does not give a []. They do not give a single [] about me. But why am I still thinking about them every day? I feel so angry and vengeful. I want to do some fucked up shit to feel like I got revenge or whatever the hell, but that’s not me.
I know that’s not me, but everything just feels so unfair that I don’t know how else to cope if I am always on the losing end of the stick. So, what is the right thing to do?
I don’t know. A part of me tells me I need to be true to myself. I can’t be like the other person, because the other person’s biggest karma is just who they are. If I stoop to their level, then I am no better than them.
I feel so evil because I just don’t think anyone is responsible for someone else’s mental health. But I kind of did that to my ex. You guys, just think of the game Needy Streamer Overload and how she behaves with P-Chan. That’s pretty much how it was. Genuinely, that’s how it was.
It was so weird when I played that game. I was like, “Is this game about us?” I was also showing them the game. Anyway, I need to stop talking about my ex, bro. It’s actually embarrassing.
I don’t miss them as a person because, in reality, the person they are is just kind of [] [] sometimes. Because of all the words they fed me, they made me believe they were someone they weren’t, even though their actions never aligned with anything they said. Their actions never, ever aligned.
It was hard to accept that because I wanted to believe that, deep down, they were a sweet person; that they never meant to hurt me; and that they never meant any harm or anything. But they knew. They always knew. They knew exactly what they were doing, and they chose to do that to me every single time.
I don’t know how to accept it. I don’t think I can get over it, at least for the foreseeable future. I have a hard time asking people for help. I just handle everything by myself. I take it all on alone and bottle it up so much that I eventually break and crash out really badly.
bottle sth up: to not allow other people to see that you are unhappy, angry, etc., especially when this happens over a long period of time 长时间掩饰，遏制，隐瞒（不快等）
Try not to bottle up your emotions.
尽量不要压抑自己的情感。
Oh lord, a few months ago was actually the worst. At the very least, it’s not that bad again, but I don’t want to ask people for help. I don’t want to be put in a vulnerable situation at all.
I don’t think I want to trust anyone again. People can fake their whole persona, their whole personality, just to get close to you and then take advantage of you. I don’t know. I just can’t comprehend how some people can do that to other people. How do you not have any empathy at all and realize that your shitty actions can result in people feeling very, very [__] hurt?
What a bitter, bitter person I have become. I’m so bitter, and I have so much anger about the injustice in the world and just, I guess, the [__] that happened to me.
Oh wow, there are still people on the bus. It’s a.m. That’s pretty freaking dope. I’m sorry, I just got sidetracked.
dope is slang (informal English) meaning cool, awesome, excellent, impressive.
Anyway, I don’t really want to go home. I want to stay at the park for a little longer or walk somewhere else. I’ll just keep walking until I feel more at peace.
Surprisingly, there are some people walking. I don’t want to jinx it and be like, “Oh my God, I’m going to get kidnapped,” but who knows? I just feel like a burden to everyone. I don’t want to be a burden at all.
I don’t want to be a burden to my friends, my family, or even you guys online. It kind of feels hard to take all this by myself. I’m packing all this stuff by myself, with no one to really depend on or talk to about these things besides my iPhone and, I guess, people on the internet: strangers who randomly know my [__] trauma, thoughts, and feelings.
It’s a weird dynamic. I feel like I’m just waiting for things that aren’t going to happen. And I know I need to do something about it. I need to do something to change my life. I need to take action because only I can fix things. I can’t depend on anyone else to do that.
When I did depend on someone, they let me down so badly, and I don’t think I could ever do that again. So, I’d rather be cold and reserved. I would rather keep to myself than let something like that happen to me ever again.
But it’s so strange because I want connection. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want to feel like people accept me for me, not just online. I’m talking about real life.
Because as much as you can say, “Oh my God, you almost have 100K subscribers,” in my head, it’s never enough. It doesn’t mean anything. It would never be enough for myself, my mom, or anyone, I guess.
I don’t think clout is anything to uphold, like, “Oh my God, you’re all that.” No, you’re not all that. You’re literally just a human being, you know? People who use their clout to make themselves seem superior to other people are just shitty people. I’m sorry.
Everyone’s human, so why are you acting superior to other people just because you have X, Y, and Z materialistic [__]? You know what I mean?
Even with the internet, I feel like if I do something, it must be perfect. If I make a video, it needs to be good. It needs to have substance. I need to uplift others. I need to help others. I need to keep doing more and more and more, but then I don’t know when to put the brakes on it.
It feels like I am Sisyphus. Sisyphus? Not the YouTuber. I love his videos, but I mean the actual figure from Greek mythology. It’s like you’re pushing a [] rock up the mountain, but then it’s so [] heavy that it comes crashing back down into your [] face. Then you’re like, “Ugh, I’m crushed again.”
I just feel like I’m pushing that rock aimlessly. When will it ever be enough? Will it be enough if I have a million or ten million subscribers? Will it be enough if I’m financially stable? Would that be enough? Actually, that could be enough.
Oh, []. I do think financial freedom could really help a lot. But I am still living with my mom, and I’m paying with my mental health. I’m not paying rent, but I am paying with my mental health because she is a day-one narcissist.
Been there since the beginning; through the bad times
That’s my day one homie.
Ah, man. A person with BPD and their relationship with a narcissist: it’s such a common trope.
Also, I just want to say that I do not encourage anyone to self-diagnose. At the same time, you kind of know. To be very honest, every psychiatrist and every doctor I see just goes down a checklist. They’re like, “Ah, do you do this?” Then it’s, “Do you have this?”
But oftentimes, they also misdiagnose you, so take everything with a grain of salt. Definitely go to a professional if you suspect something is wrong.
Don’t believe everything completely. Be skeptical and consider that something may not be fully true or accurate.
take something with a pinch (or grain) of salt
Regard something as exaggerated; believe only part of something.
I take anything he says with a large pinch of salt
You should take everything you read online with a grain of salt.
take sth with a pinch / grain of salt, [informal] to not completely believe what someone tells you, because you know that they do not always tell the truth
〔因某人不总是说实话而〕对某事半信半疑，有保留地相信某事:
Most of what he says should be taken with a pinch of salt.
他说的大部分话都不应该完全相信
Some other people don’t have BPD, but they meet the most evil person ever, and then that person makes them react in wonky, crazy ways. No, it’s just that the other person is [] evil. The other person is just [] evil. You don’t have BPD, honey. The other person is just evil.
But in other cases, you might have something wrong with you. Not wrong, wrong, just that you have [] that happened to you as a kid: constant invalidation, an absent parent, a non-existent parent, basically, or all of that shazam.
I feel a little bit better after talking about all this stuff. I still feel like I always put so much pressure on myself to articulate everything well, in a manner that makes sense to people. Sometimes I just feel like I’m talking out of my ass.
I also got some not exactly hateful comments, just people critiquing me and saying things like, “Oh, you are so performative. You are a poser. You are a liar.” Da da da da da da.
I think it’s very easy to place a label on someone based on a title, a thumbnail, or a ten-second clip that you see of them. It’s not like you actually know them. I’m not going to let someone online invalidate my experiences. You know what I mean? I know what the [__] I’ve been through.
Right now, I just feel really lonely because I have friends, but I don’t want to burden them with my [__]. I just don’t feel like I’m anyone else’s priority.
I want to be someone’s favorite person, and I want them to be my favorite person. But, in a BPD sense, having a favorite person is hard. If you know how to set boundaries, if you’re good at emotional regulation, and if you’ve done a lot of work on yourself, I’ve met people with BPD whose symptoms are manageable. They’ve done a lot of emotional-regulation and DBT work, and they’ve done a lot of [__] to help themselves manage it better.
I definitely have hope that I could get to that point one day.
But, yeah. BPD has a very bad stigma on the internet. Oh my God, there was some [] I saw on Twitter. It was something like “BPD []” or something. It was literally fetishizing the entire mental illness, and that is so, so [__] disgusting because you are romanticizing other people’s suffering.
Like, hello? Are our heads working right now? What is going on?
I just wish I had a favorite person who would be receptive (remission)to me, but not in a way where it becomes toxic. I want it to be mutually respectful, with boundaries put in place so that it never gets to the point of being unhealthy.
But it’s scary because once people hear that you have BPD, they run. They’re like, “Oh my God, you’re a crazy [__].”
In reality, a lot of the time, it’s a reactive illness. You react to the way someone else treats you, and if the other person is treating you like trash or isn’t considerate, then it triggers you.
Of course, you are definitely responsible for your own actions and reactions to being triggered, including how you react afterward. You’re responsible for your own actions.
But I don’t want people to think, “Oh, it just comes out of nowhere.” Not really. A lot of the people with BPD I’ve met will have conversations with another person, like, “Hey, this thing you did bothered me,” and so on. But if the other person keeps overstepping that boundary, that’s when the person with BPD starts to lose it.
And reasonably so. Who wouldn’t? Who wouldn’t lose it if someone kept disrespecting you, you know? It’s just that we feel things more intensely, way more intensely. Let’s say the wavelength at which normal people feel things is here. This is their threshold. We feel it tenfold.
When it hurts, it hurts a lot. But when we’re happy, it’s genuine euphoria. It’s crazy. The highs can be so [__] high, but then the lows can be a suicidal type of low. That’s why a lot of people say relationships and friendships with people with BPD feel like a roller coaster, because when it’s good, it’s crazy good.
Knowing that it’s my responsibility to handle my emotions and reactions to things can feel a little hopeless. It’s like, okay, well, I’m responsible for all this [], but then it feels unfair because I need to do this to regulate myself, while the other person could do something so easily to [] me over.
I feel like maybe the only thing these days that brings me joy and comfort is music. I also want to make some music, but I feel like I’m just not good enough.
Nothing is ever enough. I hate this. Why am I such a perfectionist? I’m so mean to myself in my own head. I never really celebrate any small wins or anything. I only know how to put myself down, and I know that type of self-talk is terrible.
I’m working on it, guys. I’m definitely working on it, but everything feels so slow. I’m trying to have hope that all the suffering is not just for nothing, that it will teach me something, and that it will make me into a better, more empathetic, kinder person.
I’m turning into a really, really cold person again. That used to be me when I was younger. I was the coldest, coldest person you could ever meet. I would not open up to anyone at all. Every friendship was pretty much surface-level.
I don’t know how to accept the affection of other people, and I still don’t. I don’t really think I’m in a place to.
With my videos, it’s always been a safe space for me. But as I’m growing, it feels like there are more eyes on me. A lot of people in real life have seen my stuff, and I hate that. I hate being perceived by people I actually know.
It feels like I don’t want to be vulnerable with certain types of people, or just certain people in general. I have this insane pressure of feeling like I need to get it together. I need to do something with my life.
But for the past few years, my life has felt pretty aimless. I feel like I don’t really have a goal I’m working toward, unlike other people. I’m genuinely just taking [] day by day. But I’ve been taking [] day by day for the past few years.
It’s just like, damn, has mental illness genuinely affected my life this much? It feels like a shame. If I didn’t have depression, I probably would have been an academic weapon.
But I’m not anymore. Sometimes it saddens me that all my potential just went down the drain. My mom says it to my face all the time, too. She’s like, “Oh my God, you used to be so smart. You used to be so good at school. You could have done this. You should have gone to this school instead. You should have just thugged it out.”
And I’m just like, “Oh lord. Oh lord.”
Since I was around 13, I genuinely didn’t think I’d live past 16. Saying this feels very [__] corny, but I didn’t really have a plan for myself after high school. I didn’t have a plan for myself at all.
Then I just did things to satisfy other people and societal expectations, while knowing that I didn’t really have a drive or passion for things.
I guess right now, making YouTube videos is some sort of passion for me. But I don’t know how to go about it in a way that balances my mental health while also helping others. I just feel like I’m never doing enough.
I don’t think anyone has told me, “Oh yeah, you’re doing a good job.” At least in my real life, I don’t think anyone is actually proud of me for anything. All the achievements I think are achievements, or my milestones, just feel meaningless because I don’t know.
I don’t really feel like I’m enough for anyone. I know I’m responsible for my own life. Do I want to be content with the pain and familiarity of staying where I am, or do I want to endure the pain of growing and changing?
It can feel like a lot. It’s a lot of pressure, knowing that only I can fix things and only I can fix my life. I guess that’s the harsh reality that we live in, similar to my last video, at least in terms of that video’s sentiment.
Yeah, reality is that no one is going to save you. I keep telling myself that, and yet sometimes I feel like I’m waiting around, putting all these people on a pedestal and thinking, “Oh, maybe if I am this way instead, or have this instead, or have X, Y, and Z, then only then can I be happy.”
I feel like self-love is such a weird thing. It’s like, you’re not your body; you are not your thoughts. You’re none of that. You’re just your consciousness. Everything else is more or less external.
I sit with this thought a lot, too, but I feel like everything that defines us is external. Our identity is shaped by labels, status, money, and social friendships.
I used to think this way a lot back in middle school. I used to think, “Okay, well, I’m ugly, and I can’t even talk to people. I can’t even make friends, and my grades are subpar by Asian expectations. They’re not the best of the best, but they’re good, I guess. But that’s not enough.”
So then, what do I have if I can’t be good at school, if I can’t be sociable, and if I can’t be good-looking? What is there to me? That’s when I was at my most depressed, when I was zombie-type depressed.
But maybe now I have a better answer to that. I don’t think those external things should define us, even though societal pressure tells us that they define our identity.
It’s weird fighting against all these external things when you just want to exist as a person. You just want to feel okay with yourself.
It feels like everyone else in their life is on a trajectory toward a well-planned life, while I am still picking up after my mental health and dealing with the most basic [__] while trying to do all that.
So, it definitely feels like I’m behind and lacking. But hey, I can help some people on the internet. Maybe that’s a good thing I should think about a little bit more.
I don’t have a proper way to end this video, and I’ve been yapping for a really long time. Yeah, this is going to be it.
Thank you guys for watching my video. Stay hopeful, kids. You can always look at the glass half full or the glass half empty. What kind of corny [__] am I on, bro?
Anyway, I will see you guys in the next YouTube video. It will most likely be cleaning or a story time because there’s a story time that’s pretty funny that I do want to talk about. But we’ll see. We’ll see what I get to first.
Bye-bye.