my first experience at the psych ward

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3e33eQrGWQ

无作者

Hey guys.Um, this is a different type of video,isn’t it?I am currently sitting on my floor.I know my hair is crazy.I look crazy.There’s no usual bangs, no usual makeup today.I just want to sit here and chat.Let’s just talk about the elephant in the room.Um, I’ve been gone for a really long time.Partially that is due to my deteriorating mental health.Another big chunk of um,it would be my fear of, putting myself out there and being vulnerable on the internet.Um, but mostly it all has to do with my mental health.So,I made an announcement in late September saying that I’ve been feeling really, down and kind of like unstable.People on my Twitter have seen my numerous, mental breakdowns to a certain extent,like a little just a little peep into like my brain, I guess,and my thoughts.Anyways, I overshare a little bit too much there.I I need to tone it down for sure.Basically, the situation is in October,no, late September,I was I was sent to the ER and then I stayed there for a day,

like a whole 24 hours,locked in a little a little box type of room with a TV and just a mattress and, literally nothing else.Just a cold room.It felt like a cell.I was like,“What the fuck?”, I had no social interaction except like the nurses and [ __ ] when, the psychiatrist, came in.I was like I was like where the [ __ ] am I?Because like I was trying [snorts] to nap it all off.Like I just force myself to sleep through the 24 hours, because I’m like, I’m miserable and it’s cold in here and my mental is just already deteriorating.them putting me in like a room confined by myself, does not help my mental at all cuz I was already going insane prior to, getting to the ER, due to, me getting cheated on for like the 15th time.Yeah.Basically, um,I was in like a on andoff relationship with, my exartner for a really long time and, for like a year and a half and it’s just a very bad cycle because they lie.They lie so much and they keep betraying me, and they keep doing the things that I told them.

This is this is my definition of cheating and if you cross that boundary like, no.But like because of me and my mental illness,I just it keeps going swinging back and forth.I try to like forgive them, but then realizing that they’re not going to change.And then me not knowing how to deal with it all because I have no sense of self.I isolated myself from everyone that I knew.So then at that point in my life,it just it got so hard because when you have no friends, no support system,um, and the only person that you can go to is your very cold tiger Asian mom,like it’s it’s not a good combination.So then they were like the only thing that I knew and was supposedly, my safe space.Okay, I I don’t want to be dramatic and be like that crying [ __ ] here,but um yeah,if someone’s supposed to be your, safe space and someone that you, actually trusted for, like, if you saw one person as someone, that you truly trusted and you, truly felt safe with and that, person keeps betraying you and, stabbing you in the back,

stab:
[T] ~ sb: to push a sharp, pointed object, especially a knife, into sb, killing or injuring them （用刀等锐器）刺，戳，捅
He was stabbed to death in a racist attack.
他遭到种族主义者的袭击，被刺死了。
She stabbed him in the arm with a screwdriver.
她用螺丝刀在他胳膊上戳了一下。

[ __ ] that [ __ ] hurts.And then it’s always a constant cycle of you trying to forgive them,but, you can’t come to the termsor, can’t seriously accept the fact, that they can never change, and you can’t make people change.And that’s why I got sent to the psych ward.Um when I was in the ER, I told them like what led up to me,you know, trying to they were like,

ER: emergency room

“Yeah, you’re not going home tonight.You’re not going home.You have to be sent to the ward.you have to be admitted to a psychiatric um hospital is what the doctor said.And then I started pleading with the nurses.I’m like, “Please let me go home.I don’t want to do this.” But like at that point, I was like,“Fuck, dude.This is, I accepted my fate.”, And then I got they transported me from one hospital to the other.[snorts] And then when I arrived at the psychiatric ward,it was already like 12 a.m.and it was really late, and there were like like two patients that were in the common area.And then I just came in.I was like I was so scared. I was like, “Oh my god,what the hell is happening?”, But since [snorts] like no one was out and walking about,I was like, “Okay,there’s not that many people here.” But the nurse that like, admitted me like was pretty nice.like I love her that nurse.Anyways,um I got put into this room with this girl and she was already sleeping.So then when I got there, I was just like,“Time to sleep.” But in the word, you cannot sleep at all.[snorts] And then first thing in the morning, 7:00 a.m.,they wake you up.Um they would be like,“Vital’s time.” And they literally have like a lock around your wrist.It’s like a bracelet, that they have to scan and they have to walk around to monitor like,oh, if you’re still here or not or if you escape the hospital.Like that’s what they have to do.So, they have to check on you every 5 minutes.So, when you sleep like um the mental health worker,they would like walk in with an iPad and then they have to like be like this. Sometimes they have to hover over you because it wouldn’t scan.And that [ __ ] is scary because you’re like half like, asleep and half like lucid.You’re like,“What the [ __ ] is happening?” And like there’s a scary figure, hovering over me like what the hell.Yeah.So sleep there was absolutely terrible.And not to mention the fact that um you obviously cannot have your phone.You cannot have a lot of things that might potentially harm you.So um yeah.And I had a crippling like scrolling addiction on my phone.So then like I I couldn’t scroll on Tik Tok or Insta reels or anything.And then I was like, I’m gonna go insane from boredom.And then next thing in the morning, wake up vitals.And then breakfast.I like me going to breakfast.I was like, [ __ ] I don’t know anyone here.And they’ve already kind of been acquainted with each other.And I tried my hardest to talk to people, but it was like [snorts] I couldn’t.My anxiety was going through the [ __ ] roof at the word because I was like, I feel like I’m in kindergarten again.And like I need to find my way to like who should I sit with at the lunch table.It’s kind of like that.Choose the wrong people, you’re stuck with them.Or like oh you’ll just be a loner eating by yourself.And that’s like my worst fear, cuz that that that was like what, happened to me in school.Like that social rejection type of feel.Like I I can’t stand that.So [snorts] I do anything to try to fit in.Um,so then I always carried like, a little they have like a little, station where you could like, have tea and like hot water and, stuff.Um, so I always carried around hot tea with me.So then like my hand would always, be shaking but like I had something, warm to compress like, to have help that feeling of anxiety.So then I just always held something and then yeah,I tried to talk to some people, some girls,some dudes.It was like a co-ed psychward for that floor.It was like a college dorm thing.We were unit south.

unit:
a department, especially in a hospital, that provides a particular type of care or treatment 科；病区
the intensive care unit
重症监护室
a maternity unit
妇产科

So that means there’s like a east, north,and a west ward. Um the other ones are like adult ones, and then women’s section and then men’s only, ward.So basically it’s like that.Um I have to say like some of the dudes, okay,I think only like some dudes felt weird.There’s like this one person that felt like a Asian fetishizer,specifically Korean fetishizer.But not to get into that too much, I was just like,“Okay, it is what it is.Why does this guy keep talking to me about his Korean girlfriends, and trying to talk to me in Korean when I’m not Korean?”, Anyways,hope he’s doing well.There were, some girls there that I eventually got, the courage to talk to because I was really scared.Um, and they were really nice.They were really sweet.And um,I was sad that like I only like really talked to like my roomie, like the my roommate like, two days before she was about to be discharged.But just hearing everyone’s stories about why they ended up there and like, things that they struggled with, did broaden my perspective on a lot of things cuz, I felt like. I felt so alone and like what I was going through and I also felt so dumb.Like I was like,why the hell did I try to, for a dude for for a freaking dude that is unfaithful and just a liar?Why did I do that?And I just felt dumb that that was my reason for being there.But it turns out like a lot of other people,a lot of other girls also had similar reasons.And I wasn’t able to talk to the dudes about, why they ended up there that much, because I’m not really comfortable talking to men, because of, trauma in the past.Let’s just say that simply.Um,I know everyone had like their [ __ ] going on and [snorts] I think, knowing everyone’s stories and how different everyone is, and different in stages of life and career and just everything basically, just made me realize that we’re all more similar than, I’d initially thought when I first came to the ward.[snorts] Yeah,I think a big part of me struggling in the ward was, feeling really alone and not feeling like I fit in, with the people in the ward. and just like in general because like I knew outside the ward, I didn’t have anyone else.There was like a telephone landline thing, and the only person that I could call was my mom, and the cheating ex partner.[snorts] And you know, I called the cheating exartner for comfort.[ __ ] stupid of me.And it’s still an ongoing like cycle to be very transparent with you guys.I feel like maybe eventually I’d realize things, but for me,I don’t learn things unless I learn it the hard way.And by the hard way, like sometimes it’s like the hardest way possible.Um, and my mom,I kept calling her.I’m like, “Hey,can you please come see me?I’m really lonely and I feel like I’m going crazy here.”, The first three days I was like panicking,like having a panic attack every single day and I’m like crying,sobbing, on the phone and trying to hide my face so that other people don’t see me.Um, yeah,I was like, “Mom,please come see me because there’s visiting hours every day.”.

And some people they have like their families come very often,like very frequently.And then I just felt like because my mom couldn’t come see me cuz she’s busy, or like that she didn’t care.It felt like she didn’t care, but I know it’s just because she’s busy.But just having to like deal with that my whole life, like,oh, the fact that she couldn’t be there to pick me up from school or whatever,and I always be the last kid that was like picked up and I just, either get picked up by like a friend’s parent or something.It’s It’s always like that.So, that’s kind of how I felt there.After I begged her to come see me,she like squeezed the room to come see me during the visiting hours.When I had to talk with my mom during that time, she was just like,“How has it come to this?Like, you were so smart.You were so bright and gifted as a kid.What did I do wrong to raise you that you turned out this way?” And I’m like,“It’s not your fault.It’s no one’s fault.

It’s just we we did the best that we could, you know,growing up and stuff.We did the best that we can.You did the best that you can and I tried my best to understand you,but there’s just accumulation of things that we can’t control anymore,at least because it already happened, that led to my mental kind of turning out like this.and me not knowing how to cope, with it and not knowing how to, deal with these things, is a big part of why things got, to the point that it got, aka, trying to end, you know my, yeah I I don’t want this to be like demonetized or anything, but you know it’s a very sensitive topic and I’m like, trying to make it more light-hearted to you guys but Um,I think it’s just me coping because when sometimes I talk about these things,I’m like really really like down and like have a monotone ass voice,but I’m just like trying to I don’t I don’t really know.I I don’t know if this is my authentic self.I I have a big impostor Syndrome as well.

So I don’t this is just me trying to convey my thoughts, and I hope it can reach people and make other people realize that it’s, that they’re not alone as well you know, and, I after I got out of the ward I was still struggling a lot and with BPD and, and I [snorts] also have a incoming ADHD, diagnosis basically I’m on a weight list for ADHD.My doctor put me on it and, I need to wait a couple months for me to get evaluated,but all the doctors I’ve seen said that I most likely have it.But in order for me to get a proper diagnosis,I need to go through that process.But um they put me like on some ADHD med like off label type of medication.Yeah, I’m medicated now.So get medicated guys if if you want to if you want if you’re open to.It works very different on different people.Obviously, for me,it’s good because I have BPD and I’m taking Lexapro right now.My doctor didn’t say mood stabilizers was the best choice for me, um because it’s more for bipolar mixed them with borderline.But, um for me right now,

Lex Pro has been going pretty well.Well, I feel really [ __ ] numb,which is good because I have, very intense emotions and I I become crazy irrational and impulsive and, all that crazy jazz that you see on the internet.It’s it’s like all of that entailed into a whirlwind of like me.So, being on medication helped, and after I got out I’m still in contact with you know said exartner, and, things, like a cycle, and things don’t change, things don’t change things don’t [ __ ] change so I try to like, do that [ __ ] again the reason, why I went to award in first, place I did all that [ __ ] again, trying to, you know um myself, again and again like and again.It was like multiple multiple multiple times in October.So that’s why October was really really really rough for me.But starting November, it started to die down a tad bit.And then last week I reached out to a old high school friend and, I hung out with them and for the first time I felt like I had someone outside, that toxic partner.um that dynamic.

of feeling so overly reliant on that person because I have no one else.But reaching out to someone else, that I truly felt comfortable, with in the past and I still, feel comfortable with now.My old friend, it really helped me a little bit.Just just even the slightest bit helps, you know.>> [snorts] >> I just I’m really grateful for them, you know.And obviously this journey of trying to get better,this self-help [ __ ], is like a large part like a mindset thing because, I had people tell me like the harsh truth and like obviously I know this.I know what I need to do and I know how to solve my problem.Not exactly how,but like, the logical solutions to all the things that I’m feeling and dealing with.I know the logic of it all because I’m a chronic overthinker,but to a point that I overintellectualize, everything that I think, and ruminate in other things that it’s really hard for me to get out of that, space in my head even though I feel like I’ll, this is what I need to do or um, yes,

I know that this person is bad for me, but why can’t I just leave?Why?Obviously,the obviously the most logical choice is just to leave and start a new.But it’s really, really,really, really [ __ ] hard.Obviously, I need to do [ __ ] in my life to get better.Obviously, I need to get a job.I need to do normal people [ __ ] Go out of the house, take a walk,go to the [ __ ] park, get off the [ __ ] phone to feel better.These are very obvious things that, people kind of stuff down my throat and also my own brain stuffs down my throat.But it’s harder when people are coming at you with that critical, judgmental type of feel rather than an empathy perspective.I’d say [snorts] because I had a friend of mine that was giving me really harsh, advice.I’d say, telling me that if you want to change, you have to do the work to change.you sitting here wanting change but not doing things to, make it happen is just like it’s it’s pointless, and I kind of knew that but I think I’m just in this type of freeze.

state like I feel paralyzed.I feel like whatever I do I can’t make a change.Everything I do is pointless.Nothing is worth it.I don’t have passion for anything anymore.I don’t have love for anything really.I don’t have things that I want.I I just feel like [snorts] I I don’t know what I’m living for, quite frankly to put it like that.I don’t know what I’m living for and I can’t find the reason, to get up and do things for myself.And I know obviously, there’s so many people that have it worse than me in the world.I’m lucky to have a roof over my head and to have a place to stay.I’m lucky for a lot of things, you know,but it doesn’t disregard like, the very real pain that you go through when you’re dealing with mental illness, and just, feeling like you don’t belong at all.[snorts] Um, yeah,I just, um,yeah, at the end of October,I almost got sent back to the hospital,but I kind of had to lie my ass off in in the ER, but guys,don’t do that.Like, they they could see through your lies.

I was just lucky that time.Okay.I was just lucky.I was very l Well, I don’t know if lucky is the good word for it,but you know.Yeah, I just made it sound like it wasn’t as serious as it was.So then I didn’t get sent back, cuz I was scared to go back to the ward because like, like I kept having nightmares, since the ward, for the past month and a half almost two months now.I’ve been getting frequent nightmares, and I had multiple nightmares of me being back there, and it just scared the [ __ ] out of me.Um, there’s also obvious horror stories that happen there.People get misdiagnosed, go on the med go on the wrong medication,and then health complications.And there’s also people that, are kind of just screaming their, head off at the word and kind, of,you know, well,crazy, but not like literally crazy.They just have [ __ ] that happens that cause them to like act in a way that, quotequote normal people, say,“Oh, that’s just crazy behavior.” [snorts] Um,obviously I’ve acted out in ways that is labeled as that.

So, [snorts] we’re all the same here.I don’t really have a moral of the story or theme of this video.Oh, also guys,should should I cut my bangs?I’ve been growing it out since I’ve been, hospitalized and I’m thinking of wanting like curtain bangs like this, because I’ve never tried that type of haircut, because I’ve always had bangs.[gasps] Let me know.Let me know.I want to try something new.But yeah.Um,someone give me some advice on, how to actually pick up the will, to do things again because, I I don’t even like doing makeup anymore.I I have no desire for basically anything besides sometimes food and that’s it.Like nothing brings joy to me.I know that sounds very very like oh my god like, that is so emo, but like genuinely on a on a real note like give me some advice guys.What are things what are little things that make you guys happy?Um I would like to know, and I would also like to come up with a list of my own to like kind of, make myself, find the joy in just little things.

It doesn’t even have to be big things, you know?I think the reason to keep living is for little things.I think that’s the most meaningful one.I like in the past I would say, “Oh,something that is worth living for is like music or like, [snorts] um yeah, music.Back when I was like depressed in middle school, I’d be like,“Yeah, something that’s to live for is BTS.I need to see their new comeback.” And guess what?That’s what got me here today.And that’s what kept me going for a while.So, whatever thing that you like,cling on to it.Um, because it will it will pay off in some way.You know what I mean?So, yeah.I’m going to stop yapping.It’s it’s a pretty long video.Um, thank you for watching,guys, and I hope you guys are doing well wherever you are in the world.And peace out.

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