i spent holidays in the psych ward

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pU8tLnOzmk&t=857s

无作者

Hey guys,this is No Longer Human and, we will be talking about my experience and my thoughts and reflections, on my last hospitalization.So, I was hospitalized during New Year.So, how did that go?Well, the first day when I got to the ward,someone told me straight off the bat that this one person, pissed on a cup four times and then drank it in order to detoxify, the meds that they were being given.

meds = medecition

I think that’s the craziest story that I witnessed while I was there.Um, yeah,it’s a little sad because I was literally there like, in October, and then I got sent back in December or late December through early January.Um, so how how did that happen?Oh well.Oh, do I really have to tell that part?Usually people that are sent to the ward,it’s because of a attempt at their life to say the least.For me,I was just still like pretty, pretty mentally unstable ever since I got out the first time.I was sent to the hospital because I made an attempt and [clears throat].

uh I wasn’t responding and I was like kind of passed out.Um, so my mom called her nurse friend.She was like, “Hey,um, do you know what’s up?Like, what am I supposed to do?” And she’s like,“Yeah, ter.” And then the only thing I remember was that their nurse friend,she she was like, “You’re my bedside.” And then,yeah, I just remember that.And then I don’t remember anything else that happened that night besides like, after the eval psych evaluation which took hours.I’m telling you,it takes like so long for you to get evaluated, by a doctor at the psychiatric ER unit.That’s how it usually goes.And you’re in this room.They take all your [ __ ] They take your clothes.They took my phone.[clears throat] They took um yeah,so you can’t have anything um and you’re just in there by yourself.You’re in there by yourself.It basically felt like solitary confinement and it was against my will.So, you know,it is what it is.Um so yeah,that happened and then I was transferred.

to the same ward that I went last time that I was in the ward.Um, yeah.So, they they sent me back to the same unit,same hospital, but this time I got a different doctor there.And boy, the amount of [ __ ] I heard about this doctor is unbelievable.Every single person that had this guy had something to say.And then I was about to, I was about to have a crisis regarding me and that doctor and I was like,“Okay.” So, basically,this doctor, he he pushes medications onto you whether you like it or not.And he’s genuinely the most apathetic, doctor I’ve spoken to in my whole entire life.I’ve seen a lot of psychiatrists, mind you,like for the last 10 years.I’ve seen a lot.But this guy has to be the worst.Has to be the worst.And then what’s funny is the best psychiatrist, I’ve ever had was also at the hospital.The other doctor that I had last time.So yeah,when I was telling this doctor, everything that was happening and then what led up to me coming to hospital,he was just so apathetic.

It felt like he did not give a [ __ ], It took less than 5 minutes for me to talk and then he just left.The next day, I was having a mental breakdown.I was crying, bawling my eyes off,and guess what this guy says?Um, you need to use your DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)skill right now.Um, this is why we teach you DBT.You have to practice radical acceptance.Mid mid panicking mode for me.

mid = amidst(in spoken English)

Like I was hyperventilating.I was balling.Bro, bro,this guy I was like, you’re a bot.You have to be a bot.You’re not real.you’re not freaking real.Um, but unfortunately he was real and he was my doctor and I couldn’t change it.I I made a lot of complaints to the nurse, to the psychiatrist,um, and to the old doctor that I had.I was like, “Please,can we change because I had you last time.You know me more and you know my circumstances and everything.” Like,that doctor is genuinely the most empathetic person I’ve ever met.He could read me like an open book,but also be so empathetic in the way that he, words things when he’s talking to you.

[snorts] But unfortunately, because when when the doctors are handed a case,they can’t switch it or else it will cause problems.So, I was stuck with a bad doctor.Um, but yeah,I was having a hard time because I was just like, “Wow,I’m literally in here again.again.It’s literally been a few months, less than that,and I’m here again.And I just felt like such a failure.And, the main reason why I was there is because my BPD, was acting up very badly and I was like genuinely actively suicidal.um because of the fact that I got cheated on by a toxic exartner,but I couldn’t like break the cycle and I was really attached and I just, was so hopelessly, delusional.So hopelessly delusional.Still a little bit like that, but um I’m trying to get better,you know?I’m trying my best.Doing what I can do at least.Um yeah, but it sucks.It sucks when people give up on you and people abandon you and when people, promise you things that they don’t live up to and you realize that.

this type of person that they pretended to be this whole entire time, was just a lie.And I couldn’t accept that and I was so much in denial.Um during my first word I had this notebook.All right, filled it up like halfway.It was like the longest time I’d never really written stuff, but um yeah,a lot of writing, a lot of thoughts,a lot of [ __ ], And then the second time they, like they give you a bag every, time and then it’s like a notebook, and then Yeah.And then you have a pencil and then you have like deodorant, like crappy ass shampoo.But um yeah,it’s just like a little bag with all that [ __ ], so you don’t like lose your mind, from boredom there because they, genuinely don’t have anything, besides, a cable TV that only has like five channels that works and they’re all sports.Yeah.So, [snorts] for this book,I um I kind of demolished it because I was in a fit of rage because I called, the toxic exartner, and, yeah,I got really triggered and then, I started ripping everything, and I was like pacing back and.

forth and I was like, at that time I had a roommate and she she’s the sweetest.Genuinely,I’m so thankful I met her because she’s, so sweet and so nice and we had a lot of interest together.We had a lot of similar interests, which was so bizarre because I was like,“You happened to be my roommate and you came around the time that I got here, and you like the same [ __ ] that I like.”, [ __ ], Yeah.So, that’s a good thing that happened.But I was genuinely like screaming my head off and ranting, so angry,so much in denial of what happened,of being cheated on and all that [ __ ] and trying to make it work,but being delusional, you know,that jazz.Yeah.So, it it was very hard.But this time around, I felt like when I was there,I was like, “Oh my god,genuinely, my life is falling apart.I feel like I’m going to just always be stuck inside the ward.I would always have to go back.” Which is half, true because the moment that I got out,I was insanely suicidal again.

And then I almost administered myself back voluntarily because I was like,I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do to me.I I genuinely don’t know.I don’t know.And that that’s scary.That’s very scary.Like the fact that you don’t, know what you’re going to do, to yourself when you’re impulsive, and like you’re on that adrenaline, and you’re just like, so triggered seeing things in extreme black and white.But um yeah, that’s that’s how your thoughts cause you to get to that extent.And yeah, the day that I got out,I was already like suicid.But then the next day it got worse.And then I tried to off myself again, but I didn’t go to the hospital that time.I just I took 30 30 little, you know,pills and nothing happened.So, I mean,my liver could possibly be [ __ ] up, but I maybe I just don’t know it,guys.It’s not worth it.It’s It’s really not.Um, something that I also learned while I was there was appreciating things.Um, there was this one guy that was a peer advocate.

He was also in the same position as everyone was in the ward.and, he, come and he comes to the groups and he talks about his experience, and he was exactly where we were.He was in and out of hospitals for 13 years.And he had a good business when he was 20, but um when he was 30,it fell apart because of competition.And then because of his alcoholic genes in his family,he fell into alcohol and drugs, and then just struggled, so much with substances for the next 13 years of his life.And now he’s older.He he told us like, “Oh,it’s really hard to be stuck in that compar, [snorts] that comparison state in your head because, [snorts] I could take a look at all the people that I knew,all the friends and whatever, [snorts] and say,“Oh, they have a family.They have kids.Oh, they have they’re going to retire soon.” Well,he said if I compare myself to them at this stage in my life,the comparison would be never ending.But what was something that I was grateful for?He said that he was grateful for his cat.

and he was grateful for his girlfriend and he loves his job, and he was so surprised that, he he got his driver’s license, after eight years of having, eight DUIs.Yes, that’s what I mean.And then I [snorts] felt like what when he said that it really opened my eyes, to how much I compared myself, to the people around me and just societal pressure of, figuring it out at this age.Um about to turn 21 in a week and a half.[snorts] Um yeah, and I don’t have my degree.I don’t have my driver’s license.I don’t have a lot of friends.I don’t have [snorts] a friend group.I just make videos for you guys.And yeah, I don’t I don’t have a job.Well, this is more of a hobby,but um yeah,[snorts] like I could be stuck on all of those things, and just have a replay in my head,but, I, then I try to, apply what he said because it, really touched me because it, really made sense and clicked, in my head, when he said that.[snorts] I’m grateful for my cat.I love my cat so much.I love my cat so so so much.

And I need to be there for her to watch her grow up.And yeah, that’s that’s something that I really want.And [snorts] even though I don’t have a job,I’m making videos that can help people.And people tell me that my videos make them feel less alone.And genuinely that means so so so much to me and it keeps me going.It really keeps me going because if I can’t help myself at least, my experiences won’t be in vain because at least it helped someone else.[snorts] That’s how I think of it now.Um yeah, those are some things that I’m grateful for.I’m also grateful for my mom even though we’ve had a very rocky relationship.She really did come around this time and she came to visit me, almost every day in the ward this time.Last time, the last time I was hospital,she didn’t even come every single day.She came twice [snorts] when I was there and I was there for like about a week.A little more than a week.Yeah.But this time she really came around and I’m grateful for that.

and that she’s taking my mental health seriously and trying to be supportive, in what ways that she can.Of course, she can’t just change like that because,you know,[snorts] we have a generational, gap and she’s been this way for a large majority of her life.But I’m also just trying to, forgive myself and forgive her because this is also her first time at parenting.And this is also her first life.So I do want to be more forgiving.[snorts] Um yeah, and another thing that the pure advocate guy said,I I’m pretty sure his name was Ken or something.And [snorts] I don’t know,the way that he talks is like very very motivating, and like I don’t know why it clicked so much in my head.Like it helped better.like the things that he said stuck with me more than all the DBT practices,which feels more impractical because like it feels like you’re just reading off, a textbook.Essentially, that’s what it is.You’re reading off the workbook that the creator of DBT wrote.

and you just need to apply it whenever you’re in crisis and stuff.But it’s like, I feel like in some ways it’s not the most practical method, unless you’re genuinely 24/7 thinking,“Oh, DBT,DBT, I need to do this when I’m when this starts to rise.” Like,it’s not a bad skill to have.It’s a great skill to have.But I think for me, I think just things that really clicked in my head,you learn that the hard way [snorts] because you go through [ __ ] and, no one can force you to accept help.Like genuinely, you can’t help anyone.You can try to be there for them,give them advice and da, but if they themselves don’t have the capacity to want to change for themselves,you you can’t force anyone into it even with all this, logical practical ways of doing it.If it if it doesn’t click in their head,it’s all just going to go through one year and come out the other.So I think yeah, everyone’s different.So we don’t have to rush the process of healing and like recovery.

on to people in a way that it feels like it needs to be linear because no, healing and all that [ __ ] is not linear, and all that self-help [ __ ], I’m sorry but online it’s like lowkey kind of oversaturated with self-help, in a way that the algorithm just gives you random [ __ ], and it’s not specific exactly to the tea to your situation.So sometimes the things that people say just it can’t always apply, because there’s always two sides of a coin.But um yeah, that that’s a different tangent.What I think about the ward is just, I just genuinely didn’t know how to spend my time while I was there.Um I tried my best to fit in and talk to people.Um it was very helpful that my roommate, was a talker and she approached me first.I was really lucky because I could not have done that in a thousand years, unless I’m pushed to a level of extreme boredom where I’m like,“Oh my god, this is either fight or flight.” Like,this is the survival of the fittest.

If I need to survive in this environment for the next 14 days,I need to have someone to talk to or I will genuinely go more insane.I’m grateful that I met such a wonderful person there.And even though I had a bad doctor,her listening to me ranting and me complaining and me, being happy about my interests, that we both share to me being so angry and so frustrated and so sad, about the things that happened to me that I felt like I couldn’t control at all.>> [snorts] >> Um, yeah.I’m really glad that she was there.[snorts] Hale Lima, if you’re watching this,thank you.Going [snorts] through my notebook.The first thing says, “Wow,I never thought I’d be in here again.It’s quite embarrassing.I called him many times.” No.Call just like before.He did not answer a single phone call while I was there.I [snorts] just want to go home already.I’m so sick of this [ __ ] What kind of advocate, am I if I can’t even keep myself afloat?I just want to see him.That’s all.I felt [snorts] like, oh my god,

it’s embarrassing.It’s genuinely embarrassing reading the [ __ ] that I wrote here.It’s just me begging and pleading for something to happen when, nothing can happen really.I can’t make anyone do anything.I can’t make someone care about me.I can’t make someone not leave.When I was spending New Year’s there,I went to sleep at I went to sleep at like 10:00 on the dot.I got the [snorts] middle I got my meds at night and I got melatonin, and then I just went to sleep.I was like, I don’t want to be awake and keep thinking about,oh my god, I am stuck here on New Year’s and New Year’s Eve.That would be terrible because it would just be a terrible spiral to go down to.So, I was just like,you know, [ __ ] it.I’m just going to go to sleep [snorts] while, some other people were waiting, until 12 for the for it to be, actually New Year’s.And some people were watching the ball drop in the comment area.I was just like, “Bro,I can’t do this.”, I wrote down so many things that I wanted to do when I was in here.

Um,I’m glad to say that I actually, did a lot of the things that, I said that I would wanted to, do.At first, of course,it was really hard because, you know,when I got out, you know,I’ll explain that part.But I really, really did push myself.And, I don’t want to say I’m getting, better cuz I hate jinxing it, and I hate saying that, and I hate when other people say that,not going to lie, because I’m like,it’s never linear, guys.[snorts] It’s it’s just us trying our best, you know,and that’s the only thing we could really root for [snorts], because I feel like the effort, that we put in and the thing, like the fact that we’re still, trying is the only thing that, we’re capable, of controlling.We can’t control the outcome of what happens, whatever happens,but as long as we’re putting effort,we know that we’re at least working towards something.And I think that’s very, very meaningful to me at least.The last page of the notebook that I read before I got discharged, was the night before I got discharged.

Everyone was in the game room for Justin’s group.The vibes were very wholesome.I think music and games really connects people.It’s a bittersweet last day of the ward.I am scared to leave and face the challenges on my own.Nevertheless,I’ll take it slow and try my best despite the odds being stacked up against me.I’m glad that people seem to be more opened up and they’re getting along well.I’m really proud of everyone around me for hanging on strong as well.For some reason, it felt really festive and holiday like.I’m proud of myself, too,for coming this far.I do deserve a pat on the back.Thank you, One South,for giving me this experience to learn and to grow.That was that was the last thing that I wrote.I was thankful for the experience I had.Even though it’s traumatizing to be an or to say the least,I’m telling you guys,don’t go unless it’s the last resort.Like genuinely, if you are in crisis,you should go.But other than that, no one wants to be stuck in there.

I’m I’m telling you, you will lose your mind.[snorts] But you could also reframe the way that you think.maybe see it as an opportunity to at least try to talk to some people in there, [snorts] and maybe, journal and write like I did and, rediscover yourself and your values and things to focus on yourself.Well, that’s what it kind of felt like.But, um,yeah, don’t go unless you really have to.I’m telling you guys, because a lot of people go there and they come out more traumatized, than they were.I’m just I don’t know.My case is just my case.You can’t really say my experience in there is going to be the same as yours.So guys, please stay safe out there and stay warm,stay toasty.I hope you guys are doing all right and hanging in there.And I just wanted to say that I’m really proud of you guys.Thank you for watching this video and supporting me in my endeavors of, online journaling, diary.I don’t even know what to call this channel at this point.It’s just me and my experience in my life.

Yes, that’s exactly it.

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