https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZDijAhCN_M&t=13s
无作者
Hello beautiful people of the internet. No long human here. Today we are bed, rotting. I realized I haven’t done like one of these sit-down talking videos. So, I kind of want to just like catch you guys up on what’s been happening in my, life and then we will get back to our regularly programmed schedule. I don’t, know. These days I’ve been very afraid of voicing the things that I feel.
voice:
~ sth to tell people your feelings or opinions about sth 表示，表达，吐露（感情或意见）
to voice complaints/criticisms/doubts/objections, etc.
表示不满、批评、怀疑、异议等
A number of parents have voiced concern about their children’s safety.
一些家长对他们子女的安全表示了担心。
I’m, at a pretty good baseline right now, but every time I say it out loud, whenever I, say something I somehow jinx it. I don’t know. It’s, like a weird self-sabotaging thing. So then I never want to say, “Oh my god,I’m happy.” because every single time I say something like that, like, “Oh my, god, I’m feeling so good right now. Like everything’s going well.”, um everything goes south right after that.That’s literally what happened right after Marge. During that time I felt, like I was in a better mindset, but maybe I was like in survival mode. So I.
was kind of like on the go and didn’t have time to like worry about the things, I was feeling. I was just like, “You know what?” Let’s just make the best out, of whatever it is that we got. That’s how I was like free-balling that month.And then right after that, when I got back home, I just I just went downhill.Like it was so bad. It was like really bad depression right after that and I’m, like I had a friend and at the time, they really helped me out. And then after that, I was a little bit sad, but, then I bounced back. I feel like my headspace right now is probably the best, it’s been in like >> [snorts], >> six six seven months. Okay, I’m sorry with these six seven jokes. This is not, even a joke. I’m just being dead ass. Like I’m serious about it. I think it’s, been pretty good. I’ve definitely doing better if you guys can’t tell by the, tone of my videos and the stuff that I start posting.Um the thing is like I never really want to be a Debbie Downer, so like I don’t.
want to always like post like negative feelings that that that. It’s not even, saying that me talking about my feelings is negative, but sometimes it could come, off that way. So then that’s why I never like to vent to people that I am close, with. I have to sort out everything on my own first and then I’ll be like,“Yeah, that was nothing.” Like, “Yeah, I got over it. It’s not a huge deal.” Like, that’s like me minimum minimalizing like my trauma and the that I feel.But you know what? That’s That’s what helps me go through today. That’s That’s, what gets me through So you know, you got to do what you got to do. Yeah,I feel like right now I just feel really jaded as a person and I’m just scared of, every good thing that may or may not happen.When I mean like jaded, I just feel like I’ve become such a closed-off, cold type, of person. I used to be that way, but like to the most extreme extent. If you, think I’m cold now, times that by 200. Like that was me back.
in like middle school and um middle of high school, too. But then I slowly like, crawled out of that shell, but then I feel like the bad experiences kind of, like pushed me back into this protective wall. It’s like Attack on Titan.>> [laughter] >> You have to get through the walls to get, to me and I’m in the center, I guess. So please please don’t destroy my walls,bro. Don’t Don’t do that Yeah, um even though I’m trying to put, myself out there, I just always question like, “Is this the right crowd that I, want to be with? Is Am I really like am I larping to try to fit in? Can I be, myself around these people?” And I I never really know the answers to these, things. And I think like once someone betrays, your trust, you kind of just like lose trust in people unless they show, you otherwise, unless they show you that they can be honest.Yeah, I I don’t know. Like I’m very skeptical of, people and I think like usually my um my gut instinct is always right.
And then every single time I chose to ignore my gut instinct, oh boy,it always turns out to be bad and then it just prolonged long like mountain of, that goes on. It just prolongs that and then I always turn out to be right, in the end. My whole thing about like I’m afraid of being too happy is like I, have this huge imposter syndrome. Like do I deserve any of this this online, presence, people messaging me saying that I helped them. Is Is that even, real? And then it’s weird cuz I have a lot of, people DM me and say like, “Oh my god, you inspire me. You like you’re my, idol.” Da da da da da. But like I feel so like like what? I don’t know. Like I, feel like I am not someone that someone should look up to. My goal is to be, someone that I eventually could be proud of. I’m always working on that, but um, again, I’m not perfect and I feel like if I say something or if I react in some, way, I I get rage baited really easily by the way. I don’t know why I’m telling.
“I get rage baited easily” means:
I get easily tricked into becoming angry by content that is intentionally made to make people mad.
Let’s break it down:
rage = extreme anger 😡
bait = something used to lure or attract (like bait for fishing 🎣)
rage bait = content that is designed to “fish” for angry reactions
you guys this. Like I feel like I’m too much of an open book. Like people are, going to use this against me. For the longest time making videos um like, just me talking to the camera has been my emotional regulation.
regulation:
[U] controlling sth by means of rules （运用规则条例的）管理，控制
the voluntary regulation of the press
新闻出版业的自律
But that also means the downsides of that is me being too vulnerable on the, internet and then people might use that against me in the future. Like what if, Like you know what my biggest fear is? What if someone pulls a Wizard Liz, landed on me? Like what if someone studies everything about me,psychoanalyzes me, and then they meet me, and then like they pretend like they, don’t know me, and then and then I get screwed over by narcissists like that. I, don’t know. That’s like my worst fear is and then I’m just like, “You know what?I’m okay. I’m okay being by myself. I’m okay with a select few friends.I think right now it’s peaceful that way. I don’t have a friend group at all.Zero. None. I only hang out with individual people. The only three people.
that I hang out with is my friend from high school. We had a falling out like, last year and that was also like my lowest That was like when I was at my, lowest. And then I kind of just couldn’t handle everything. It It was just like, It was some that happened and then we stopped talking for a while. But, afterwards, we reconnected and now I think we’re, better than ever because we both grew a lot as people and I feel like we just, reached a certain Sola, you need to get down from here.We reached a certain level of maturity that for friendship wise throughout, college, you grow differently as people. You sometimes you just naturally grow, apart because the life experiences you have and they, have is just so different and sometimes someone is really immature or sometimes, your values don’t align and yada yada yada. Um so I’m glad that we reconnected, cuz I think it’s very very important to me and, the thing is like even with my friendships, I struggle a lot with my, BPD. Um she didn’t text me for a whole day. I.
was like, “Oh my gosh, she hates me. Why is she She always responds.” And, then it just turned out she slept the whole day cuz she was so tired. I don’t, I forgot when it was or what like But yeah, it’s like it’s not just that.That’s just like a very tiny example of what it could look like, but it’s always, like best person ever, sometimes I hate you.It It’s like I don’t know. It’s a defense mechanism, but I I really, don’t let that side of me show to people like ever.Um yeah. Because it’s so it’s so much toxicity, that I have to deal with myself. I do I never want to be a burden to someone and, that’s why I handle everything by myself and posting these videos and me talking, about all of my Yes. Okay. Yeah, I don’t know. That’s, where it’s at right now and then my other friend, my ex-roommate, we hanging, out occasionally. Pretty It’s like pretty low maintenance, but every time, we meet up, we still feel closeness. And then my other high school friend, my.
fujoshi friend, um yeah. Same thing. Every time we hang out, it’s literally, maybe once a month. Yeah, it’s kind of like that. That’s That’s like my social, life right now. I’ve been trying to push myself to meet more people, meet some, mutuals, see how it goes, see the vibes and then I don’t know. I feel like I’m, bad at like connecting with people sometimes cuz I, feel like I’m really picky because I don’t really want to like spend my, energy if I don’t think we’re going to click well and da da da da da, you know?And it’s strange because with this peace that I have,it’s also a little little bit turbulent in my head cuz I’m just like when is the, next When is the next bad thing going to happen? I feel like everything’s too, good right now. Like people online like my videos. Um, I have good friends and I’ve been watching shows that I enjoy.Like I don’t know. Other than that, if you, guys kept up with my makeup Tik Toks, I don’t know if a lot of people have cuz I.
have a pretty mixed audience on YouTube. Okay, I hope this person doesn’t see, this, but I had like a crush. I I just named it, boss crush. That was like very short-lived, but also bittersweet and I, think that person helped me so much and more than they can ever know. Yeah.I felt like that really got me back on my feet. I don’t know, I think what I, learned from that is like sometimes you you don’t really get over the things, that happened to you. You kind of just learn to deal with it. You learn to live, with it and then um I think what helps helped the most is, like doing new things, having new experiences.I think that’s what really really got me out of my little hole that I was just, like digging myself into and then I don’t know. Like I felt like I dug my, own grave and then I was shoving it back like I was putting the dirt back on, myself. But um just kind of getting up and doing new things, pushing myself so much outside of my comfort zone.
Even though it felt like I was faking it at first like, oh, this isn’t going to, help. This feels like pouring water into a gas tank. Like, and I’m the car. Am I going to run? No. Hell, no.But then I don’t know, that’s like the analogy I, used to use. It’s like, how can you fake happiness?Cuz wouldn’t that just be toxic positivity? It wouldn’t be something, that’s real. But I think at some point I just like,okay. I literally been through the worst, that I’ve ever been through. Past me didn’t think it could get bad.No, it could get so much worse and that’s where I ended up like 6 months, ago. It can’t ever get worse than this. If I, could bounce back from that, then literally like what else could me, over so bad? Like genuinely. Cuz like at that time it’s like, getting ghosted, getting betrayed, getting replaced by someone that I, thought actually cared and loved me, plus getting SA’d in another country,plus getting followed. I’ve been blackmailed.
Here, the verb
ghostmeans when sb you’ve been talking to- whether dating, friends, or even professionally- suddenly cuts off all communication without any warning or explanation.
SA’D stands for Sexually Assaulted to avoid content filters, censor ship algorithms, or triggers.
What’s the worst that can happen to me? Besides me getting kidnapped and, getting you know. Yeah, I don’t know.>> [clears throat] >> Like I don’t think anything could get, worse. So then that’s why I maintain like, somewhat of a positive like I had like a reframing of my mindset like okay, since it got that bad it can’t get worse. So you know what?I’m just going to live my life. And what made me happy was food. It, still makes me happy and um low key struggling with that right now cuz I’m, just like low key binge eating. Um yeah, I I don’t know. Some people in my, DMs ask me, do you struggle with ED and stuff? I don’t think I do. Am I, >> [laughter] >> I don’t know. I don’t know chat. Again,I don’t want to jinx anything. For a pessimist, I think I’m pretty, optimistic. Not not to throw out um a Paramore reference, but yeah, that’s how, I feel and it’s weird cuz like I did not promote, any of my YouTube stuff or showcase really any of that on my main.
account, _770 account. I never promoted it when I was starting out. I, solely just posted on YouTube and my other TikTok. Like no one could see how, much how just how how much I was struggling.And no one really reached out either and um, I was dealing with all of that by myself.And it was really hard. It was really hard. And the only the only thing that, kept me going was you guys, my viewers on YouTube.Um because I felt like that was the only safe space, I had to talk about the things that I struggled with and I wouldn’t be judged, or feel like I’m a burden. Um I could just express myself and other people can, empathize with me and feel comfort in that.Um yeah. Cuz like when I think about it like, those months I was so so so alone. I was so afraid, to tell anyone. Um, so I just kept it all by myself and that’s why I have this YouTube channel.And that’s why I kept posting during that time.Cuz I thought maybe like if I could post um if I could have a community online,
maybe I’ll find people that connect with. And you know what? I did. Last, winter like I made some really good internet friends and they, really helped me. And I appreciate them a lot.Yes. That’s how I got to where I am right, now. Because of all these people I got to where I am. A pessimist inside of me, just thinks like all these acquaintances that don’t really know me but kind of, know of me. Like, they wouldn’t care about me. So like why do I need to always try to control how, others perceive me online or like just care about what people in like, this imaginary circle would think of me because, I want to fit [clears throat] in so bad. But in reality it’s just like no one, recognizes the effort and the hard work that you, pour into yourselves and just how much you try to get better. No one really, sees that until you’re actually better and then, people start coming and saying, “Hey like, proud of you for like whatever you did. Whatever achievement that seems, measurable. You know?
Cuz I feel like we’re all in some ways labeled and categorized by numbers and, perceived social status, economic status, oh how good of a job you have.That is determined of your worth as a human being. Like no, that makes no, sense. But like people always make it like that. Or, how much clout, you have. Like, that means you’re this high up or blah blah blah blah blah. I, just hate it. I just hate it when people are labeled and then put into this, category. It’s just like I don’t I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I, don’t think I’m special at all. And I don’t want I don’t want people to, think of me in that way. I don’t want people to idolize me. I don’t want, people to say that I’m their role model. Cuz, that’s a lot of pressure. That’s a lot of expectations.I’m just someone that happens to share my life online and just my personal, struggles, which is like too much oversharing, honestly, because, there was a few times I went out with my friend. Um and then someone noticed me.
in public. I was at jury duty. I got summoned to the court. The, Like, it was mandatory or else they they’ll fine me a thousand bucks. Um, some some viewer recognized me and they DM’d me. It was like,“Are you at jury duty?” And then I’m like, “How did you know? This is scary.”, But not like literally scary. Like it it was sweet, but like it’s also like, a little nerve-racking. I went to this pop-up and there was this girl that was, like, “Oh my god, are you are you the only human from TikTok?” And it’s like, weird cuz I’m like, “Okay, wait. Are Did they find me from TikTok or did they, find me from YouTube?” Cuz YouTube’s like the whole guts that’s showing all, all all the shebang. Another guy from the pop-up recognized me from there. And, it was really sweet. It was really sweet, but I felt like I was so awkward.I was so scared. I was so scared. I turned to my friend. I’m like, “I’m, scared.” But then I feel like I gave off like an off-putting vibe because of.
that, but I’m really anxious even though I try not to, come across that. I try to come across as not not because I am nonchalant. I, think I’m pretty chill. It’s just like my demeanor.I guess. It’s like my wall that I put up. Yeah.You know what I also noticed? On TikTok, the username was like, Sayori IRL. They made like a really cute TikTok, and I saw it when it was like at, 100 likes. It was like, “I love No Longer Human. Um her content’s, relatable.” And it was just like super sweet like fan like like a fan message.And then yeah, and then somehow, I genuinely don’t know how, like later on,it actually blew up. I’m like, “Yo, what the fuck?” Like, there’s no way cuz like, no way that many people know me and watch my Cuz like it’s not even me, clipping myself, even though I feel kind of lame for doing that, you know, you, got to do what you got to do to spread your but like I was like, “Oh my, god, a fan did that?” And like that got so many views. So many mutuals.
sent it to me, and it’s like I’ve haven’t talked to these people in so, long. It’s [snorts] just basically acquaintances, you know? And that was, really sweet cuz I was just like, “Wow,that’s a really sweet.” But then in the back of my head, like I guess maybe like, I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this anymore.I think um yeah, right now I’m kind of just like at a standstill of where, I feel like I’m trying so hard to push myself to go outside more, to hang out, with people, to make content, and keep everyone happy, and myself. Don’t know how to do it. Don’t know how to do it.And you know what what’s my motivation right now? I feel like I need to keep, creating content. I need to like save up money so then I could eventually get, surgery for my face, and I know it’s such a vain goal that I have, but that’s, that’s a goal that I have. Everyone’s goals are different, but, I don’t know. Please don’t call me the female clavicular. I’d rather kill.
myself than be called clavicular cuz I am not a racist and a, misogynist.Yeah, it’s like the thing like people say like, “Oh, you look so good.” But,I’m just like I hide behind filters. If you guys don’t, know. But, I’m pretty sure you guys know. I put it in the description of, every single video and one of the videos that blew up, the um growing up ugly, video. Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I look like. I don’t know. I’m just a, girl. I hope one day I can be someone that I can be proud of.And make you guys proud along the way as well.I think the main purpose of my channel is to show just the ups and downs of, life and just my life, the ups and downs of my life.And show you guys that it’s normal and, we’ll probably bounce back. But, we’ll also probably dip.But, we’ll go back up again, right? So, it’s like the stock market. It can’t be, going down forever, right? Like no way. Unless like the world goes to and, like every like it becomes like a zombie apocalypse, AI apocalypse. I don’t even.
know. But, yeah. If you guys ever see me doing, any some brand deals, don’t mind me. I just need to stack up some bread for my, surgery. But, yeah. Always take any advertisement, online with a grain of salt. Please, do not be blind.I I I’m just telling you as a warning. Yeah.I don’t know. People say that they like my, authenticity. But, sometimes I just feel like I’m doing too much. I’m just like I, cannot be like sharing this much about me.Online for everyone to see. Right?Right. But then it’s like I don’t even go, outside, so like who’s going to use it against me?Okay, I’m Okay, I’m going to change myself at this fight. Okay, no, Han,stop talking. Stop talking about this No, we’re we’re not doing this.Anyways, today’s video is really chill. I have some stuff coming up. I have a, lot of videos in the backlogs, but I’m just unsure if I should post it or not.Um people say I should post it on Patreon, and I’m so sorry I have not, been active on Patreon. It’s just like like I just post things.
whenever it’s done. It’s as hard for me to like pre-plan like the schedule I’m, so bad at scheduling. So bad with time management. I’m so bad with organizing, my thoughts and my ah uh Okay, but anyways,yeah. Okay, goal this year, get ADHD meds and get a diagnosis. And get my driver’s, license. Okay, maybe I’m I’m I’m maybe I’m pushing it. Maybe I’m pushing it.I need to fill out my driver’s stuff.Do you guys believe in me? Do you guys believe in me?If you guys believe in me, then I’ll believe in myself.But I don’t I don’t really I don’t really believe in myself at the moment,but yeah.What are you doing? That’s my wallet. Why are you biting at my wallet? Hey.Hey.WHAT DID MY WALLET DO TO YOU? HELLO.Y’ALL.HEY. HEY.Want to say bye-bye to vlog? Say bye-bye.Say bye-bye.Bye-bye, vlog. Boing.
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