(48) the entire school caught me gooning… 💔
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjLz117oo9c
无作者
Finding love has to be one of the hardest things to do. And if you think, it’s easy, come closer. Now that we’re on the same page, isn’t, it crazy how when you catch feelings, you basically offer your heart on a silver platter for someone to either take really good care of it or to, trample all over it? >> [music], >> To prevent us from giving our hearts to the wrong type of people, we’re going to, be talking about the top red flags in love. But, I promise you’ve never seen, it dissected this way because in this video we’ll see how manipulators play, the dating game and it is scary. We’ll be referencing many Chinese netizens, so, I’ll refer to Chinese netizens a lot, but don’t look down on them because they, have done their homework referencing well-known psychology experiments and, findings from research papers. So, they mean business. In the first part of this, video, we’re going to look at some very specific red flags, mainly in men. But,
in the second part, we’ll zoom out and identify how manipulators in general can, use our psychology against us. By the end, you might question reality a little, bit. But, hey, I think that’s a less depressing question to think about than, why we’re all single. So, you’re welcome.>> [music], >> Guys in this section all target a specific type of man, the PUA or pickup, artist. The term PUA usually describes men who play women and string them along, for their own self-gain.
string sb aˈlong
(informal) to allow sb to believe sth that is not true, for example that you love them, intend to help them, etc. 哄；愚弄
She has no intention of giving you a divorce; she’s just stringing you along.
她无意跟你离婚，不过是骗着你玩的。
[music] So, to prevent girls from getting played,wasting their precious time, money, and energy on scumbag guys, netizens have, listed the top [music] red flags to look out for. And this isn’t a list specific, to Chinese guys, so brace yourself because no one is safe. I’ve grouped the, red flags into actions, words, and motives. Let’s first start with red flag, actions. Number one, he always makes plans with you but never follows, through. He says things like, “In the future, we should go to this place.” Or,
“We should do that activity sometime.” And obviously, because you’re interested, in him, you’re keen on hanging out and doing these things. So, you say yes and, nothing happens. You may chat online every day, but he never actually sets a, time and a date. He keeps you waiting in a sort of limbo so you can’t move on.This is a red flag, at least according to Chinese netizens, because someone who, genuinely wants to get to know you and date you will not keep giving you fake, invites. They’ll want to hang out and spend more time with you. Making plans, and not following through is only done to get your hopes up, so you stay with, minimal effort required on their end. And honestly, I agree with that take. If, a guy likes you, he’ll want to spend more time with you. And if he doesn’t,that’s still a choice. Don’t make excuses for him, okay? Children make, mistakes, adults make decisions. Number two, posting a lot of WeChat moments or, Instagram stories created for the female gaze. So, here the girlies are saying.
this includes pictures of pets, flexing his wealth, his cooking skills, or his, gym routine. All of this content looks good, and that’s the problem. Chinese, netizens say a good guy’s feed is usually quite clean and low-key, instead, of performative and show-offy. In other words, an average good guy often has a, boring feed.
Here feed means the stream/list of posts you see on a social media profile.
For example, on Instagram:
my feed = the posts/photos/videos appearing on my profile or in my social-media stream
a boring feed = a profile with ordinary, unexciting posts
a polished feed = a profile where everything looks carefully edited and professional
a thirst-trappy feed = lots of posts designed to make the person look sexually attractive and get attention
thirst-trappy comes from thirst trap.
If his feed is too polished, too aesthetically pleasing,too thirst-trappy, then you’re probably not the only girl he’s trying to, impress.
polish
[T] to make changes to sth in order to improve it 修改；润饰；润色
~ sth
The statement was carefully polished and checked before release.
这项声明是经仔细润色检查后才发表的。
~ sth up
The hotel has polished up its act (= improved its service) since last year.
这家酒店自去年以来已经改善了服务水平。
Damn. But honestly, I like it when guys have a nice feed and they post, all these things. I’m getting PUA’d, aren’t I? Number three, he, overemphasizes the effort he puts into the relationship to make you feel, guilty. This is where the manipulation tactics start to show. These guys take, small things they do and frame them like a massive effort, [music] so you’ll feel, bad and feel like you need to do more to make it up to them. They know that, healthy relationships involve compromise, so they weaponize [music].
that idea. Acting like every little thing is a huge sacrifice to pressure, you into giving them more time, >> [music] >> attention, or money.I’m telling you, Chinese netizens are only speaking facts [music] today.Number four, triangulation. PUA guys love to use other women to stir up a, sense of competition and raise their own value by proving they’re in demand. If a, guy’s It’s “Oh, yeah, this other girl is so into me. The other day we were, hanging out and she just kept buying me things. That’s a red flag. He’s telling, you this to make you feel insecure or jealous so you’ll fight for him and do, more. But more than this, Chinese netizens say men would never do this in, front of a girl they genuinely care about and want a real relationship with.They’re not going to say this girl wants me and that girl wants me because they, can’t afford to lose her. They don’t want the woman they’re serious about to, get the impression that she’s just one of many options because she isn’t. Wow.
Honestly, I’ve had a lot of people say men ain’t loyal, but I think they just, haven’t seen a guy who’s in full simp mode. Personally, I know guys who have, liked their crush for a crazy amount of time. Like we’re talking six years of, yearning. At this point, I know they have Jane Austen on speed dial or, something because how are they doing this? I know six years is quite extreme,but my point is when guys are serious about someone, truly it’s like no one, else exists. So don’t settle for someone who makes you feel like they settled for, you. Now moving on to red flag things PUA guys say. First, netizens claim if a, guy emphasizes how innocent or pure he is, he usually isn’t. Their reasoning, a, truly inexperienced guy won’t claim he’s pure. The normal response is to be shy, or even embarrassed about it so he won’t highlight it. If a guy keeps emphasizing, this, he either wants you to know your guard so he can take advantage of you or.
he’s setting himself up to seem helpless so you end up doing everything in the, relationship. I should start taking a sip of tea every time I agree.If he says, I’m such a hopeless romantic, then ding ding ding,congratulations, he’s about to love bomb you. PUAs know many girls like to, fantasize and idealize love so they’ll tell you things like, you’re the most, special girl I’ve ever met and I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.Then let your imagination fill in the blanks. It’s a low effort manipulation, strategy to get you attached and obsessed again without him actually, [music] doing much. Is this a manipulation strategy, though? What if, I’m different? What if I can fix him? Psych.Next, if he opens his mouth and asks to borrow money, that’s a red flag. Chinese, netizens say no man wants to look weak in front of a woman he really [music], likes. He doesn’t want her to think he’s incapable. He’ll want to show off what.
he’s good at and position himself as someone who can provide. Borrowing money, from you either signals he’s irresponsible with money or he’s, genuinely [music] in trouble. But then, why isn’t he, asking family or friends he’s known for longer? Asking money from someone he’s, only been on [music] a few dates with means either you’re an ATM to him or he, has no close relationships to lean on. And both are bad signs.And then, this next one I actually haven’t come across. There were netizens, called obedience tests. [music] PUAs will give you little orders to test, how easily you comply. For example, he’ll say, “Why don’t you come a little, closer?” to test the touch barrier. Or “Close your eyes. I’ll show you, something.” to see how much you trust him. Because [music] closing your eyes, in front of someone is actually a pretty vulnerable thing to do. Or he’ll really, go for it and say, “Sit on my lap.” This is an order where he can test both your.
lap:
[usually singular] the top part of your legs that forms a flat surface when you are sitting down （坐着时的）大腿部
There’s only one seat so you’ll have to sit on my lap.
只有一个座位，你只好坐在我腿上了。
She sat with her hands in her lap.
她双手放在大腿上坐着
physical and emotional boundaries. PUAs will give you these tests knowing it, might make you uncomfortable [music] because that’s the point. They want to, see how much power they hold over you. Though, I will say some of these orders, seem pretty harmless. One test was, “Let me see your hand.” I’m totally fine with, showing someone my hands. Showing my feet, though.PUAs want to chip away at your boundaries until no’s [music] turn into, reluctant yeses. Then, he knows he has you. Now, finally, the last class of red, flags, which is really just one big thing. Their selection criteria for what, kind of women they target. This is what netizens have listed out. Women [music], PUAs don’t want to mess with. Married women, because it’s easy to get beaten, up. Oh, so you can dish pain out to others,
dish out
(informal) to give sth, often to a lot of people or in large amounts 大量提供；分发
Students dished out leaflets to passers-by.
学生向路人散发传单。
She’s always dishing out advice, even when you don’t want it.
即使你不想听，她仍然没完没了地建议这建议那
dish out originally means “serve food” 🍽️:
She dished out some soup
but you can’t take. Girls who, are too young, under 14, because it’s illegal. You know it’s bad when you have, to clarify that PUAs draw the line at pedophilia.>> [music] >> Women with strong revenge tendencies, as.
they might ruin his reputation. Oh, no, if it isn’t the consequences of your own, actions. Female police [music] officers, too dangerous. What a compliment. Now,unfortunately, they also have a list for types of girls they do want to target.Traits they’re looking for include women who are lonely, because they would do, anything for company. Man, these guys suck. Girls who are healing from a, breakup, because he can arrive by her side to be the warmth in her snowstorm.Except you’re playing her. You’re literally the blizzard that makes winter, last longer. Gold diggers. I wasn’t expecting this one, but apparently it’s, because their need is strong and their [music] weakness is obvious. I don’t, know why that phrasing sounds so pretentious. Their need is strong and, their weakness is obvious. Who are you, Sun Tzu? You think you’re writing The, Art of War, bro? Once the PUA identifies a girl as a gold digger, it’s apparently, an easy game from there, because he can then play the rich guy, get what he.
wants, and bail before she bankrupts him. Low-key though, this sounds like a, plot to some rom-com drama. Gold digger and scammer combo would actually go, hard. Then you have other targets like girls who dress revealingly, because, they are easy. Typical East Asian stereotype. College students with little, dating experience, because they are naive. And girls without logical, thinking, because butterflies turn all the red flags green. At the end of this, thread, Chinese netizens encourage girls to be careful and [music] protect, themselves from PUAs, because as you can see, they are only here to create, [music] chaos in your life. These men deliberately single out and target women, just to mess with them, and they show no remorse. They’re coy, charming, and, calculated. They’ll offer you plenty of sweet words and empty promises, and once, they no longer see value in you, they’ll abandon you and move on to the next, target. >> My girl takeaway is instead of putting.
your energy into men, invest in yourself instead. So like everyone who’s in their, 20s and is either going to Japan, getting married, or running a marathon,of course I’m running the marathon. Guys, I’m not rich enough to go to, Japan, okay? And if I had someone to get married to, I wouldn’t be running. Why, I’m running though, I’m always holding my phone with me because I have no, pockets. You think it’s bad that I hold my mic up for a 20-minute video? Imagine, holding your phone for a 2-hour run. I really just wish I had a cute outfit, with pockets. And I found one. Halara is a women’s, fitness wear brand and they have pockets in their designs.Not only are their clothes super comfortable to wear, their dresses also, come with safety shorts underneath, which means you can go hard at your, workouts without holding back. What I think sets Halara apart is the Halara, circle. Halara actually takes feedback to their product designs very seriously.
and iterates based on that. For their softly zero backless active dress, they, expanded their sizing from 1 XL to 3 XL after 21% of users reported a tight fit.So Halara added more sizes to be more inclusive for different body shapes,which we love. Then in 2024, they refined how the dress fits around the, waist and hip after 19% of users provided feedback and trimmed some, excess length off the dress as this was something the community wanted. I think, it’s so cool when a brand actively listens to their community and makes, changes based on it. And that’s why Halara genuinely feels so comfortable to, wear. If you want to try an activewear brand that’s cute, has pockets, and, actually cares about how you feel in their clothing, go check out Halara and, join the Halara circle program because your feedback actually matters. Thank, you Halara for sponsoring this video and for saving me from having tear outs. And, now, back to our favorite topic, people, the PUAs. I realize I’ve been talking.
about PUAs in the context of guys a lot, but this isn’t something exclusive to, men. Anyone can PUA, be a manipulator in love. This is where we bring out the, famous psychology [music] experiments and research papers that look into human, motivation, attraction, and addiction [music], to dissect how high-level PUAs use our own psychology against us. And this is, the part that is [music] scary because the paper showed we’re literally, vulnerable to these tricks. So, if you do catch yourself thinking, “Hmm, maybe, I’ll do this on other people.” Make sure you stay until the end. For now, let’s, examine three famous [music] experiments and see how PUAs exploit our psychology, to manipulate our feelings. >> [music], >> All right, class. We’ve graduated from PUA 101. Now, we’re PUA 201. The first, of the three experiments we’re looking at today is by B.F. Skinner, an American, psychologist. Specifically, we’re focusing on his work on intermittent.
reinforcement. In about 60 seconds, you’ll see how this links up with dating, and it’s actually insane. Skinner ran experiments with rats and pigeons in, boxes with a lever. He tested two ways to reward them. First, continuous, reinforcement. Every time a rat pressed the lever, it got food. So, quickly, learned to associate that behavior with reward. And as you’d expect, the [music], rats began spamming the lever like crazy. The second group received, intermittent reinforcement. A rat would press the lever, but food only appeared, sometimes. [music] Pressing the lever did not guarantee a rat with a reward.Now, here’s the interesting part. Skinner stopped giving rewards to both, groups. For the continuous reinforcement group, the one that always got food, before, the rats quickly gave up. There’s no more rewards, so there’s no, point pressing the lever. But, what do you think happened with the intermittent, reinforcement group? Skinner tested several different schedules of.
intermittent rewards. I’ll just cover two of them here. One was a fixed ratio, schedule where food appeared after every X [music] amount of taps. For example,one in every 10 lever presses. When Skinner cut off the food supply and, tapping [music] the lever no longer brought out food, these mice, unlike the, first group, kept pressing the lever. The same [music] thing happened on an, even more extreme scale with the group that had a variable ratio schedule.[music] In this group, instead of food appearing, at a fixed one in 10 ratio, the food appeared on average one in 100 presses.But, this could mean one hit every 10 presses and then one hit every 200, presses. Skinner found this group was even more resistant to extinction. These, mice just kept spamming the lever even when no food came out at all because, they weren’t operating off that push lever and food appears. Not even push, lever 10 times and food will appear. No, the randomness of the reward meant they.
were operating off hope. The variable ratio behavior is the classic analogy to, gambling. I actually touched upon this same concept in my Labubu video, but, basically blind boxes, poker machines all operate on the same principle.Skinner’s experiment showed that continuous reinforcement, press lever, equals food, means rats learn fast, but once you stop the reward, their behavior, also drops off fast. [music] Intermittent reinforcement, by contrast,shows slower learning, but once that link is established, the behavior keeps, going long after rewards stop. Now, how does this apply to relationships? Well,it’s not hard to leave someone if he’s always showing you attention and then, they suddenly ghost you. But, it’s a lot harder to leave if someone is playing, hot and cold. They show interest, then pull away, give validation, then ignore, you. The pattern [music] of their affection is contradictory. It’s, intermittent, which is why it’s so addicting. You keep pressing the lever,
investing your time and energy because when they do pay attention, when they do, pick you, it feels so good. You never know if the next interaction with them, will give you dopamine or anxiety. So, you keep [music] chasing that rare, reward, that one in a hundred hit. Isn’t this insane? I actually feel so betrayed, by how our brains work. But, now that we’re aware of how we’re literally, vulnerable to this kind of behavior, we You break out of the cycle. If someone, you’re interested in is playing hot and cold with you, just block them. It’s not, your fault they’re on your mind. We’re all rats at the end of the day pressing, that lever. But, if that person makes you feel like this stock emoji, get rid, of them. Don’t chase someone with a one in a hundred reward. That dopamine is, not worth the anxiety. And there might not even be a reward at the end of the, day. Choose someone who is consistent. Then, if they do ever switch up on you,you’ll be able to leave their ass no questions asked. Not going to lie, I.
feel like I should be playing Chinese medicines for this masterclass right, now. And to think we’re only one experiment in. Next, we have Festinger, and Carlsmith’s experiment on cognitive dissonance. What they did was assign, Stanford students the most boring, repetitive tasks. For a whole half hour,participants had to move spools on and off a tray, or turn square pegs a, quarter turn over and over. Brain-numbing stuff, truly. [music], The key twist was that after the experiment, participants were asked to, lie to the next person coming in, telling them that the task they’d just, done, turning pegs for half an hour, was actually meaningful and enjoyable. One, group was paid 20. A control group was simply, dismissed and didn’t have to lie at all. After that, everyone was surveyed on how, interesting they actually thought the peg-turning task was. And you know what?The control group who just did the task and left were bored out of their minds.
and gave it a negative rating. Exactly what you’d expect. The group that got, paid 20 to lie had a clear justification for what they went, through, an hour of boredom, but a decent payout at the end. Oh, important, information, this experiment was run in 1959, so 1 though, they just got rage baited. Like,what do you mean? You made me turn pegs for half an hour for absolutely zero.
payoff. Oh, and now I have to make up some BS to the next guy like, “Oh, yeah,I actually found that activity so fun. It really grows on you. It’s actually, quite relaxing to just [music] space out and turn a peg 90° for 30 minutes, straight.” Obviously, I don’t know what they, actually told the next guy, but they did end up gaslighting themselves into, thinking their task had meaning. Because these participants [music] couldn’t, accept that they had spent an hour doing something so utterly meaningless for, just [music] $1. They had to rationalize their behavior and convince themselves, it wasn’t actually that bad. And that, my friends, [music] is cognitive, dissonance. When our actions conflict with our beliefs and we can’t explain it, with a strong external reason, like getting paid big bucks to do something, or being coerced into it, we’ll change our attitudes to bring these two things, [music] back into alignment, so we feel better about ourselves. In a.
relationship context, this applies perfectly to staying with a mid partner.I think we can all agree we want a partner who at minimum respects us and, treats us well. This is our belief. But what if our actions conflict with this?What if we’re with someone who is inconsistent, [music] doesn’t invest in, us, and doesn’t treat us that well? Our action of staying with them clashes with, what we believe. [music] To reduce this dissonance, we might start thinking,“Nah, they’re actually all right. I’m just being too sensitive.” Or, “Deep, down, I know they’re a good person. They’ve just [music] been through a, lot.” What’s happening here is that there’s little external justification, for staying, [music] and deep down you know it. You’re not getting what you, want out of the relationship. Your partner isn’t making you feel secure, [music] physically, emotionally, or financially. So, you generate internal, justification [music] by either upgrading the value, they’re actually.
pretty great, or downgrading your own standards, this is good enough. This is, a big reason why people stay in bad relationships. [music] Even if someone, is not a good person, they might rationalize to themselves why they’re, staying. And if you pair this with a variable intermittent reward pattern,someone who is good literally only 1% of the time and horrible every other, instance, then it’s even harder to leave. We are so cooked. Every, experiment here solidifies my thinking that our biggest op is actually, ourselves. And we still have one more experiment to go. This last one is by, Redelmeier and Kahneman. They studied how patients record their colonoscopy, procedure. Generally, not a fun time. The first group got the standard, procedure. As soon as the clinical work was done, the scope was removed. The, second group had the same procedure, but at the very end, the doctor left the, scope in place for about three extra minutes without moving it. This meant.
less discomfort at the end, no active poking around, but the overall procedure, was longer. Technically, the second group experienced more total pain, because of the added time. [music] But when both groups were asked to rate how, painful the procedure was overall, the second group, the ones who experienced, pain for longer, rated it as a less [music] painful experience. This is what, Redelmeier and Kahneman called the peak end rule. People disproportionately, remember the peak, the most intense moment, and the end of an experience, instead of examining the whole thing. So, if [music] we apply this to a, relationship, that’s when you hear people say, “Yeah, when we fight, it’s, bad. The lows are lows, but the highs are so high. No one has ever made me, feel like that.” That’s talking about [music] the peak. You know why F boys, are so popular? Because they’re good at delivering the peak. And when things, end, if they’ve emotionally neglected you the whole time, but end things with,
“Actually, you’re so special. [music] I’m sorry I didn’t treat you the way you, deserve to be treated. I’ll always care about you. I’ll never forget you.” If, they say that to you at the end of a breakup, then you know what? 6 months, later, you’re going to look back and think, “Hmm, we had problems, but, overall, it wasn’t that bad.” And PUAs know this. Honestly, I’m genuinely, impressed that PUAs were linking these concepts to dating. I have Kahneman’s, Thinking, [music] Fast and Slow. It’s been annotated to crap because this man, dumped way too much knowledge in one book. But [music] let me tell you, all, this annotation and I never once thought to apply findings from his colonoscopy, experiment to dating. So, I guess I’m just not built like PUAs. They truly are, on a different level to us mere mortals. In talking about human psychology and, how easily we can be manipulated, I know there might be a small portion of the, audience right now who are tempted to try this stuff on others. [music] To.
you, I want to pass on the words of Chinese blogger Shao Long, who covered a, lot of these strategies we talked about today. He says, “If you want to control, someone, then it often means you need this person more than they need you.”, And I think that’s a very good point to think about. The best relationships are, the ones where both people grow together, where you’re both better,stronger, happier because of each other. Manipulating someone might draw them in,even keep them around for a while, but it’s fake. [music] It’s a house of, cards. You’re not building something real. You’re cheating them and honestly,cheating yourself. Learning about these experiments today has taught me a lot, about how our brains work and why we end up feeling attached to people who might, not be the best for us. But knowledge is power and now you know. You’ve seen the, list of red flags [music] and you know how to spot when someone’s trying to, play you, or when you’re tempted to play someone else. So, when you go after.
love, remember the wisdom from Chinese netizens. Don’t settle for intermittent, rewards. Recognize cognitive dissonance and peak and tricks. Choose people who, show up consistently, who make you feel safe, and who gives you dopamine without, playing games. I hope you guys enjoyed this video.Let me know what your thoughts are and what your biggest takeaway was. Oh, and, if there are any red flags Chinese netizens have missed that you’d like to, add, please comment it down below. [music], I’d love to see it. A huge thank you to my patrons for their support. I wouldn’t, be able to make these [music] videos without them. And I will see you all in, the next one. Bye.