Hi, I’m a lesbian.
Gay.
I feel like every queer person has talked about the obvious signs they had before they knew. Looking back, they’re always kind of funny. So, with our suspect…
[music]
…child me.
Let’s have ourselves a little investigation.
Sometime in the 2010s, I’m sitting on the couch watching music videos when I discover Toxic by Britney Spears.
My poor, sweet father walks in.
“Hey kid, you’ve played that song three times in a row now.”
“Ah, you really like it, huh?”
Which, to be fair, the song is a banger. But meanwhile, the screen is filled with these gorgeous, siren-like women wearing leather and riding motorcycles.
Yeah, that one kind of explains itself.
Still didn’t know after that.
I thought I wanted to be the cool, sexy motorcycle lady.
No, kid.
I think you just want the motorcycle lady.
You don’t even like driving.
Ah yes, mistaking attraction with admiration.
Classic.
I’m maybe 11 now.
I have this best friend. We do everything together.
Like, it gets to a point where if you see one of us at school, you know the other is lurking somewhere within a 10-foot radius.
One day, she’s talking to me, and she gets really close.
My eyes just shift to her lips.
You know, like any normal straight person.
I observe while she’s talking.
“Huh, she’s got crooked teeth, but I think…”
[music]
“Blair is the prettiest girl in the world.”
“Huh.”
“I love that crooked little smile she does.”
“It makes me feel weird…”
[music]
“…in a good way.”
I kind of become self-aware for a second while she’s talking to me, and I’m like:
“Well, that was a weird thing to think.”
“Are you even listening to what she’s saying?”
Me at myself:
“Wow, weird thought, buddy. I’m going to suppress that one.”
Anyway…
One day, this guy is talking to her, and I suddenly feel it.
This bubbling feeling of jealousy.
And I’m thinking:
“Why do I feel like this?”
No, obviously.
Obviously because I have a bit of a crush on that guy.
I came to that conclusion.
“Huh, I never get strong romantic feelings for boys so far.”
“I’m finally having feelings for guys too.”
“Me at last, being able to relate in girls’ group gossip sessions about boys.”
“Amazing.”
“I’m finally meeting my normal human emotions.”
And then…
I never really thought about him again.
I just went to hang out with Blair.
“Gigi, sounds like he’s the real apple of your eye.”
Blair has a twin brother. He’s cool.
So, he awkwardly gives us a bit of a heads up.
Apparently, that guy from before has been going around saying he has a crush on me.
And Blair.
Both of us at the same time.
And when I hear that, my brain goes:
“He has a crush on Blair.”
I suddenly think:
“I don’t like that guy very much for some reason.”
Not:
“OMG, he likes me back.”
Didn’t care at all.
This guy who I supposedly liked… liked me back.
My brain saw the information:
“He likes you.”
“Uh, irrelevant.”
“He likes Blair?”
The funniest thing is, I was genuinely happy for my other friends if they started dating or got romantic attention.
“Oh, I see.”
“So, it’s just Blair you’re having those jealous feelings with if she hypothetically got a boyfriend or romantic attention.”
Gathering all the evidence…
It’s almost like all these feelings, all this care…
It all ties back to Blair.
Did I connect the dots back then?
No.
I’m sure you’ve done the detective work yourself, but Blair meant more to me than any boy I would very robotically pick to be my crush because I thought that’s just what I was supposed to do.
Blair was my first real experience with romantic feelings, even if I didn’t quite realize it at the time.
No realization in this story.
Astonishingly, childhood me really said:
“You can’t have a gay realization if you never sit alone with your own thoughts.”
I wouldn’t properly admit it until I was a teenager in high school…
with a whole-ass girlfriend.
The high school bad girl.
Yeah, not a great choice for a first relationship.
Absolutely shattered teenage me’s heart.
And then outed me.
Chaotic roller coaster of a first relationship.
But hey, that’s another story time.
And Blair, my best friend from before?
Yeah, we had a little situationship in high school eventually.
But don’t worry, that one’s going to be a very sweet and wholesome story time when I get to it.
Thanks for watching.
Thank you for 100k.
What?
The silver play button came in the mail, guys.
We did it.
Drawing and getting to make these little cartoons for you guys is one of the things that brings me the most happiness.
This is my first story time about my personal life.
Did you guys have your own obvious signs from your childhood?
I love getting to read your stories.
I hope to see you guys all next time.