00:00:01
Hey guys. Um, today we’ll be going to a job interview. Um, I am very very very anxious, but I’m not really showing it because I’m waiting for the bus. Like I’m applying for this bakery, just like sales associate cashier type [ __ ] Um, I don’t know if they’ll actually hire me. I also sent in the wrong resume, so it’s like low-key it’s low-key buns. I also have piercings now, so then I’m like, [ __ ] will they even want me if I have piercings? And I know it’s like ran by
00:00:28
an Asian lady, but uh but uh let’s hope it goes well. Um, I was streaming and then I was telling my chat that this was happening and then they were just like, oh, I should I should vlog it and here I am vlogging it. Bus. Bus. Bus. Bus. Bus. Oh my god, all the high school kids. This is why I hate going anywhere at this time cuz the bus is just high school kids. Low-key [ __ ] my pants. Low-key feel like I’m going to puke. Oh my god. I’m so scared. I’m like 10 minutes early, so hopefully
00:01:06
it won’t be too bad. It’s been 2 weeks since I went outside and um I don’t know. It’s like I don’t know what I’m so scared of. Like logically it doesn’t make much sense, but like I low-key always just have like this pit in my stomach when I have to go outside and it doesn’t make it better when it’s like freezing cold nowadays. Like last week it was like 6° Fahrenheit, 4° Fahrenheit, and then and then the wind was like 70 mph, so then it felt like -14° according to the weather app. I think
00:01:44
after the interview I’m going to grab some comfort meal, comfort food at some noodle place. Also, yeah, just I’m just mainly scared cuz >> [snorts] [gasps] >> Oh, the granny was so cute. She was like, wait, did I go to the wrong way? I hate this road cuz literally so many freaking copters, no stop signs, but I just crossed anyways. And snow’s [ __ ] disgusting. Another reason why I hate going outside. I don’t know if I would leave a good impression. I feel like I look scary, but uh we’ll see.
00:02:22
We’ll see. Oh lord, okay, let’s go. Bye-bye. Um, I just finished the interview. I’ll tell you guys about it once I sit down. It’s kind of it’s kind of awkward to carry my phone and also my [ __ ] my other [ __ ] at the same time. Comfort food, comfort food. I’ve been here since I was in the third grade. The owner hasn’t aged a day. Another empty table. This [ __ ] was literally ready in like 1 minute. Literally the moment I sat down, um, your beef noodle soup is ready.
00:02:54
And I was like, damn, that’s fast. But basically I went in for the interview and they just interviewed me in the back and she was like, um, can you speak Chinese? Uh, what days can you work? Um, we’re going to have some training days. So, have you worked in customer service before? That was literally it. And then it was so fast, it was like 5 minutes or so. And I was like, I do have experience in customer service cuz I worked at a bar before um, for like 6 months as a server, so you know what?
00:03:24
[snorts] >> Sure. Um, but they’re like, oh, we’re going to train you for cashier position and or um, barista. So then I was like, that shouldn’t be too hard, you know, it’s just memorizing [ __ ] I think I could do it. I’m scared, but basically I’ll be working I’ll do the training days. Um, it’s unpaid obviously cuz it’s training uh on Valentine’s weekend. Yeah, cuz it’s just a long weekend, so then they’re like, um, can you do any of
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those days to come in for training? We’ll have two different training days, one for barista, one for cashier. I was like, okay. Yeah, why not? I’m employed, I might get employed. Oh my god. I just ate my hair. Oh my god. But today I was supposed to go to school and I didn’t and now I feel so guilty and it’s like a shame spiral. I don’t know, I just feel so paralyzed cuz like the school environment is so daunting and just scary. Last semester I uh missed the first day and then the
00:04:29
next week I came in to class. My professor literally called me out in front of the whole entire class and was like, you weren’t here last week. And like low-key made like an example of me. And then it was just like it was not a good feeling, you know? I tried to get on his good side like later in the semester, but like yeah, it was just scary. I’m like, I don’t have any friends at school. No friends in my classes either. I literally like the worst thing is like I literally have one class a week and I
00:05:00
don’t know why I felt like puking this morning. I don’t know, I literally got ready, I put on my makeup and [ __ ] when it was time to get going I just I just couldn’t and I was just like, not that I can’t. It’s not that I can’t, it’s just like some mental barrier preventing me from doing so. Like I know to get better like I actually have to do it, but that also makes me feel even more guilty when I don’t. So then it’s just like a never-ending guilt cycle of shame and guilt, basically. A lot of
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people tell me like my biggest strength and my biggest weakness is that I’m way too self-aware. And I don’t think they’re wrong because every single time when I have like an issue happening like I know the logical solutions to it and I know what I should do, but because of the fact that I know of it, but I like make myself feel even more guilty. Like I know what I should be doing when I’m not doing it, then I feel even worse and then it’s just never-ending. But at least today I went
00:06:01
to my job interview. I didn’t go to school, but a job interview. I low-key thought about skipping it too cuz I was like, [ __ ] I can’t go outside, but I I was just like, I have to. I have to. There’s like if I can’t do this, oh my god, I literally am useless. I think that’s just like my really negative self-talk in my head is just not good. Cuz like oh, if I can’t do this, that means I’m useless and I’m worthless and I’m a failure. But uh I don’t know. I know that’s not actually
00:06:31
the case and like we shouldn’t be defined by our jobs, our occupations and da da da da da da, how many friends you have. Like that doesn’t define you as a human being, but society puts people in that type of hierarchy because, you know, society and capitalism. Yeah. So then we always feel pressured like we need to chase some high high-tier job and we have to have ambition and [ __ ] to be happy, but no, like you can find happiness in your own subjective way. It’s just hard when everyone around me
00:07:07
are graduating and like on jobs and like internships and [ __ ] when I’m like literally set back so many years because of my mental health issues. Um I don’t know. I am behind, but like I try to tell myself that I am just taking my own path and it doesn’t have to be the same as other people’s paths or like the traditional path, per se. I’ll figure out eventually. I do have faith in that at the very least. All right, now I’m going to [ __ ] eat cuz I usually don’t talk this much. I
00:07:44
usually just like start eating. Like just like scarf it down. Like in my head I think, what if the only thing I’m good for is making videos online? Would my videos even have an impact on people? I don’t even know cuz none of it is something that I could actualize in reality. Like the internet is just a bubble after all. Like I don’t have people telling me in real life, hey, your videos helped me. Or like, oh, you make me feel less alone because of what you share through the internet.
00:08:18
You know? Like I don’t really have real people around me to interact with a lot. If so, maybe like once twice a month. Uh, I don’t know. I I know like I have to like push put myself out there to actually conquer this fear, but at the same time it’s so daunting and I have so many contradictions in my head that I don’t know how to like overcome. Like oh, what if this person makes me uncomfortable? Is this my boundary or is it just is it my BPD thinking in black and white? I don’t
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know. People only want to get to know me because, oh, I have like an online platform or is it because they actually want to know me, me behind all that [ __ ] all the superficial [ __ ] I don’t know, I just want friends that actually want to know me for me rather than like all the exterior [ __ ] that I can have. I don’t know. Cuz I feel like people these days and relationships these days it’s so transactional. It’s hard to find people that like really just like you for you and they don’t
00:09:23
need anything in return. It’s just hard to trust people. I feel like my main goal in life is not making lots of money or like having this high-ranking job or whatever that other people can be envious of. I just want a community and I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and that I fit in and that I’m accepted by people that truly like me for me rather than what I can provide them in return. And it’s hard to come by that. And I feel like in America at least it’s very individualistic.
00:09:58
Everyone’s like a go-getter, everyone for themselves, especially in a big city. >> [snorts] >> So then it’s hard to find that kind of community where you feel like everyone [clears throat] is supporting each other rather than everyone’s in competition with each other. Also, the internet could be a scary place. Like I have a community on here, but at the same time they could turn against you at any moment at any time. I don’t know if that’s the most reliable source of community
00:10:31
that one could have, but it is still a community regardless. Low-key talked for too long that my uh storage became full. Uh low-key I forgot what I was saying, but uh I’m going to lie. I say low-key a lot, so maybe you guys should take a shot every time I say low-key. It just fell in the bowl. No. My poor spoon. Guys, there’s like this little kid like looking at me as she’s eating noodles. She’s so cute. Holy [ __ ] Low-key I should buy groceries, but I have no idea what to buy and my Twitch chat has been
00:11:10
telling me to make cooking streams and I really don’t know how to cook, so now I’m just like [ __ ] okay, I’ll I’ll look around. I saw this one Tik Tok say that if you want to know where to get the cheap stuff at, shop where Chinese people shop because they know exactly how to save money at the right places. Oh lord, the instant noodles section is calling me. It’s calling me. Wait, but I I don’t like carbonara. No carbonara for me. There’s like this fire instant ramen
00:11:42
that’s actually really good, but I don’t know if they have it. Actually, I changed my mind. I don’t want any instant ramen. All I eat is DoorDash and instant ramen. It’s like really bad. I almost became the stereotypical hikikomori, but uh I am not letting that happen. I don’t want to become like that, so it’s time to get employed, guys. The thing is like I don’t like how people glorify that lifestyle cuz like when I’m like borderline like that, uh it’s like really, really [ __ ] bad
00:12:11
and my mental health is like deteriorating. I don’t know why people make it like a race or like a competition to see oh, who has it worse? Like that’s so [ __ ] stupid. Like like can we like support each other to get better and not like make it like oh, I have it worse than you, so then that means your problems and experiences are invalid. And that’s so stupid, bro. Let’s just support each other, guys. Like guys, it’s so cooked. I there’s nothing that I want to eat from the
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groceries store. Like the other Okay, also it’s just like I don’t have like a bag to get like to put my [ __ ] in it even if I buy [ __ ] I don’t even know what to buy. Like I don’t got recipes on hand or things I know how to cook besides like freaking fried rice. Even then my fried rice is bland as [ __ ] So I’m going to go to Teso and get some chips. Chips. Sometimes I wish like I lived in the smack center of Flushing, which is like this Chinatown place where I live, but uh
00:13:12
cuz it’s like so rowdy, but not in a way it’s like overcrowded. It’s just like it’s just lively. Um and then like if you just go outside, you could find cheap ass things to eat. So I don’t know. I don’t know about y’all, but I love eating, so low-key perfect for me. Freshman year of uh high school, me and my mom lived in like a hostel type of living situation for like a couple of months in Flushing and then like I don’t know. It was just like it was so much easier to get to school
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when the bus is right there and there’s yummy foods everywhere and then I actually went to the library a lot a lot at that time. And then after we moved, it’s just like bro, I’m in the smack middle of nowhere. Like what the hell? Time to get chips, chips, chips, chips, chips. I got my chips and body wash, but god damn, why are some of these shampoos like 24 bucks? What the What in the world, bro? What in the world? I don’t even know what to get. I ran out. I’ll just get this one cuz I like their hair mask, but
00:14:28
I never tried this one yet. I got the goods. I got the goods and now we’re going to go home. Go home. My hands are tied. Today was not exactly a productive day cuz I didn’t go to school and they said they’re going to drop me drop me out of my class cuz I didn’t go. So we’re pushed back to another semester, so now I’m going to just be taking one online class. And if I fail that, this [ __ ] is cooked for me. I just got to I just got to relax and think everything is going to be okay.
00:15:06
Even if I don’t believe it, I have to tell myself that. Um but basically, yeah, the job interview went good, I guess, cuz I’m just going to go there to train and then after the training is when we will see. Will I be employed? Will I not be employed? But yeah. Cheers. I don’t I don’t have a shot, but cheers to employment and I haven’t shown Zola in a little bit, but she’s getting big. She getting big. Look at her raccoon tail. Hey, Zola. Say bye to vlog. Bye-bye, vlog. Say bye-bye.
00:15:44
Look at her fat belly. Belly, belly, belly.